Hey there you tubby tubs of tub tub goo, it's me Tressel. Coach Jim Tressel. With the holiday season fast approaching, many of you have only one thing on your mind: "How can I look good on the beach?" Well I got news for you: there's only one way a sagging flesh mutant is gonna stop throwing up every time you she looks in the mirror. Put down that bag of Doritos® and picking up a medicine ball. It's time to get ready for Coach's Beach Body Blast!
What's the matter, fellahs? Are you're tits bigger than the Mrs.? Well get a load of this! I'm gonna give you pecs harder than Chinese algebra, and soon you'll land a wife with bigger jugs. What's wrong honey? Saggy pooper? Droopy hoots? Let me guess, ever since you had those little rat bastard fuck-spawn pop out your muff, your husband won't bring home the D? It's probably cause the only thing looser than your snatch is that brick of cottage cheese you call an ass! Lock your kids in a cage and hit the the track for chrissakes. I'm gonna make your thighs supple, your abs rock hard, and your buttocks taut and firm. Soon he'll be pumpin so much spooge up your beave, you're gonna need to wear a diaper! HOT FUCKING DAMN!!!
It is not acceptable for men or women to have chunky asses. No. Do not settle for mediocrity!
The Ohio State Buckeyes are the number one team in the nation right now, and let me tell you something else, they look great naked! This is all thanks to my patented system of body shaping exercises, and stretching techniques. No free weights, and no diets! That's right, eat all the carbs you want, drink beer 'till you puke, and do so much blow you wake up in a stranger's bed with blood on your ass. It doesn't matter as long as you follow my simple 44 minute a day routine and corresponding vitamin regiment. Are you ready to get sexy?
Ok maybe there are a few diet restrictions. Here's how it goes. Eat whatever you want, as long as you stay away from bacon. The only time you should eat bacon should be in accordance with the following breakfast regiment, which is to be observed prior to your 4 mile run on intermittent Tuesdays and Thursdays during daylight savings time, and Wednesdays and Fridays the rest of the year.
- A half boiled egg (for the best half boiled egg recipe see my book – Coach Tressel's Secret Meals for Success and a Happy Love Life, Volume 4: EGGS!!!
- A bowl of granola. It's not just for dirty filthy hippies.
- Bran. At least two bowls of any bran-based cereal. Basically you should stop and dump every 1.25 miles throughout the course of your run.
- And of course 1/4 lb of bacon
Ok, that's the only dietary restriction, and if you observe this rule, the pounds should melt right off. I put Troy Smith on this diet last year, and guess who's the number one prospect for the Heineman? Fuck you, Charlie Weiss, you fat tub of goo!
Other than the 4 mile run, the only other exercise you need to perform is 44 minutes of one of the 3 following routines at least 5 days a week, but no more than 6. This is what the team and I do, but as long as you hit all the major muscle groups with appropriate periods of rest in between it should work fine.
Monday Wednesdays and Fridays - Chest and Legs:
- 12-24 Plumb Bobbers, 3-4 sets
- 12-16 Squat Pumps, 4-5 sets
- 14-22 Iroquois Twists 1 Set
- 20 Hay Balers 2 sets
Tuesdays, Saturdays, and Thursdays or Sundays (Optional) - Back and Triceps/Biceps:
- 10-12 Mexican Pull-ups 3-4 sets
- 10 minutes of Jumping Jacks 2 sets
- 10-12 Turkey Rubs 4 sets
- 20 Hammer Jerks 4 sets
- 12 Polish Windmills 2 sets
In between all of these I do either a set of HongKong Pushups(20-30), or a set of one-armed sit-ups(10-20). Depending on whatever part of me feels fat that day. The only exception to this are the two days a month I do Power-Crunches. Ladies and Homos, I suggest you do these on a more regular basis, especially if you've had a few kids. What's a power-cruch you say. Basically it's regular crunch except you bite down on an unpeeled banana, and in between reps, you tense your anus, and/or vaginal muscles. It helps flatulence control, and I know for fact, it did wonders for Mrs. Tressel when I made her get back in shape after our last baby.
People, I can't stress this enough: you need to stretch properly. You don't want to pull a hammy and wind up with Turkish elbow? What good is it having rock hard abs, or winning a national title if you're too sore to fuck all night like a filthy sea otter? Also, change your underwear!!!! Especially you husky men. I can't remember how many offensive linemen have missed games because of a case of sack rot. And don't strain yourself, otherwise you're likely to bust a tube and wind up with wrestler's knob. Also, have fun. Mix it up a little. Do a little lugeing for cardio here and there. No, "jacking it" does not count as cardio, though it is a good cool-down. Yep, if you follow my advice, within 10-12 weeks you should have the hard body and flexibility you once only thought to be possible through injections secret government growth hormones or yoga.
Oh I almost forgot, vitamins. Lots and lots of vitamins.