Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Coach Jimbo, Celebrity Insider

Hey there Hollywood gossip nuts! It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. Gearing up for the new Buck's season is really wearing me thin. So I thought I'd pull my foot out of some scarlet and grey asses and try a new little segment on Tressel's World called Coach Jimbo, Celebrity Insider.

Sure was hot this summer, but if you ask me it got way hotter when Step Up hit the theaters. The Coach has one word for this film, steamy. Take one dreamy street dancer/janitor/soon-to-be meth dealer, add one prissy little ballet dancer fighting for mommy's appoval - stir gently and you've got a jar full of cinematic magic. A plot this original hasn't been done since ummm umm Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo, Save the Last Dance, Chorus Line, Fame, Saturday Night Fever and Lambada.

Twins or seperated at birth?You saw it here first kids. Chad Smith, Chili Pepper's drummer and Will Farrell. I've never seen them in the same room together, have you? Speaking of douche bags, if Britney ate a bunch of corn, peanuts and tater tots(to hold it all together), took a mighty dump, dressed it in a wife beater and rapper hats, bought it a car and let it drive around town, could it become any more popular than her hubby Kfed? Yes, the answer is yes.He sure is talented though. Speaking of tits have you checked out the shot of Linsey Lohan's side boob?I would knock the freckles off of those sweet, meaty, sweater kittens. Side boob it totally the new under boob. but not as good as boobs pushed-against-glass-view boobs. Speaking of molestation Don Vito got caught with his fat hands in the wrong 12 year old's pants at one of his nephew's events in Colorado.Viva La Opps. Lazy eye? That fucker packed its bags and left town, Uncle Don. Speaking of ballsacks, reports that (old scrote-chin) Ben Affleck fathered a child before his marraige to Gardner are swamping the interweb. Insiders say that they have uncovered secret medical reports stating that the child, a boy, was born with a face that looks just like a ballsack. The mystery baby's name? Swain.The rare disease is now known as Swain's Disease or in less clinical circles as "sack face". That's all for now Bilbo Douche Baggers, I've got to invent all new ways to shove footballs up these kids asses - success starts with motivation. Motivation sometimes starts with your Coach Jimbo's foot and someone's ass. Until next week. HUT! HUT! RED 52!


Oh and if anyone was worried about Mo, don't. I'll have him out in no time. He's got a friend on the inside. I seriously own this friggin' town.

29 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lohan's tit, Don Vito, Ferrell, Spears, and Swain all in one post! Amazing job, Coach.

9:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

SWAIN, What a DOUCHE BAG!
thank's for confirming it.

GO
JIMMY
GO!

10:17 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...

I came home tonight, walked into my den and saw my son looking at a picture of Jim Tressel in a movie theater. He said daddy "Why is Jim Tressel sitting in a movie theater?"
I was appalled that my son would see such a thing on our computer. The internet is dangerous. Tressel should be planning this season out. Working those boys to get ready to kick some ass.

A concerned parent,
Matt

10:42 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Matt,

Ha ha, very funny.

I thought I was on your side now. Even I made fun of Steven Swain! C'mon, don't hate on me. Can't we just get along? Well aside, from ball sack boy Swain.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Greg said...

why is steven swain such a douche bag? Is that what you become when you resemble a sweaty ball sack?

Also, I woul pay money to see Clarett sack Swain.

10:46 AM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

What did Steven do that was so bad that you are all making fun of him?

Please leave him alone. He is a nice man.

10:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swain is ok. He just ran his mouth a bit too much. I'm a fan of this site and he is too. He was just starting shit with people and not backing it up well. Come back Double S. You know the coach just breaks balls like the rest of us. If you give - you gotta take. Plus he made you part of the T-WORLD Swain. To be ridiculed is the same as being adknowleded/admired. Give the coach some of his own medicine. Please Coach Jimbo give us some more penny pinching tips, I'm broke from spending all my money on OSU parifanailyah (if you know what I mean).

Yours Buckfully,
Buckminster Fuller

5:14 AM  
Anonymous matt said...

pat,

Glad to see you've got a sence of humor I knew you posted just to start trouble. My son is still confused though. Jimmy get to work already I've got some big bucks riding on the season opener. Your post made me go find the Lohan pics and now my hand is sore and I'm chaffed thanks coach.

matt

5:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad you gettin mo mo out the pokey coach. That bitch owes me some dope. Thought i'd write that shit off. Now i can collect. I love the internet, at the library.

5:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

COACH TRESSEL FOR PRESIDENT!
My boss asked me what I was laughing at, I wanted to say his big fat ass or his big fat wife but had to show him this site. I'm either getting fired or promoted. Go ahead and read this fatass then go fuck your big fat wife. This job blows anyhow. I didn't break my balls at OSU to sell break pads anyhow. FUCK YOU FATTY MCFATASS - FAT WIFE FUCKER!

5:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FREE MORICE!
He was only trying to kill the guy that was going to testify against him just like any tax paying red blooded american would. Somebody give that thug a break.

6:31 AM  
Anonymous simon says said...

Greg,
You would pay money to see Clarett sack Swain. Have you seen that kid's face? I think its been (ball) sacked enough. Ineed some new rap lyrics coach. I'm dyin ova here.
Don Vito took me fishing once and touched me where my bathing suit covered. Orange only looks good on child molesters and cleveland browns. Maybe Vito's cellmate will give him a dose of man love that will straighten out that sideways eye.

7:18 AM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo Coach...

Thanx, bro. Represent.

I gots a half-kilo a' pure colombian yayo in a locked up in da bus station wit' yo name on it, Coach T. Work it, Baby! I knews you did'nt hold no bad blood on me!!!

Mo

9:24 AM  
Anonymous Don said...

I just had diarrhea and the main pile looked Swainish.

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Art Richards said...

I tell ya, this is great material to read when taking a shit. I took the most massiveist dump earlier tonight while on my break at Sears. I fuckin clogged the shitter too!

9:40 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

simon,

Yes, seeing Clarett beat on SWain would be a good laugh.


Especially if it was in a mall.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

I think I'm sexy. I don't care what you guys say.

7:38 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

to Greg,

After I get done bitchslapping Clarett, I'd kick your ass.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coach,

Who would win ina fight, Don Vito's lazy eye or Llyod Carr's baby dick?

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Tony Miller said...

That's an easy one. The dick would win because all it would have to do is either shoot piss or cum at the lazy eye, which would blind the eye.

(Depending upon whether it was erect or not, the dick would piss or shoot out ejaculate.)

As for the other fight, I believe Mo Clarett would pummel Steven Swain. That Swain guy looks straight out of central nerd casting.

While Swain is laying on the ground crying for his mommy, Greg would come over and fart on him.

1:06 PM  
Anonymous Joe M. said...

I've been lurkin'.

I read that Coulter post and then the 58 comments. That was all classic material.

Then I saw the celebrity gossip post and that was great, too.

This should be made into a tv show. Even Swain could have a bit part!

I will be telling my co-workers to check out this site!

1:27 PM  
Anonymous Joe M. said...

Swain,
I don't care that you don't care what I have to say, but I'll say it anyway. You are ne ugly motheruckder.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Joe M. said...

Sorry for the fuckin spelling errors in my last post. I'm typing real fast before my boss gets back to my area.

Peace all.

1:29 PM  
Anonymous James said...

Dis is da turth.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

re: James

The fuck is that?

Hey Coach,

It is Swain's birthday on Wednesday August 30. Are you going to buy him a cake?

10:12 PM  
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