Thursday, October 27, 2005

Tasty Tidbits

Hey kiddies... Welcome back to this week's Tressel" World, with your host, the mighty, the handsome, the well hung – COACH JIMBO TRESSEL. Boy have we got a show for you tonight, kids. In case you missed Fox Sport's "Behind The Vest" let's take a little look at the heart that bleeds red and grey and beats under this red vest everyday for you lazy bastards. I will now answer your most likely stupid questions.

Yes go ahead, the blond in the back with thehuge cans.

" Mr. Tressel tell us about where you were born and maybe a little about your parents."

Well sweet tits, I'm not sure exactly how I was born. I came to earth in a giant egg that fell to earth and was raised by a nice black couple, George and Mam, the Popadopolus'. They taught me how to not abuse the special powers that I have from being born under a different sun. They had a daughter who kind of looked like cousin Geri from the Facts of Life (google it). I accidentally killed her with a rake. Next question, please.

No, no, I meant the other fat guy with the body like a weeble wobble. Go ahead, fat body.

"You must have some amazing stories from when you were a kid. Coach, could you share one with us?"

Well funny you should ask, you fat fucking pig. I was at my court ordered therapy session the other day and was telling the cock sucking shrink about a funny story from high school. It goes without saying that I was the quarterback of my high school football team "the Flowville Tarpons". My parents quicky replaced my first sister with another one named Marsheiqua. The rival football teams quarterback, who I will just refer to as NoDickFuckFace was porking Marsheiqua just to try to steal my playbook. Well, when Ol' Jimbo smells a skunk, it's time to TCB. I took my favorite football and bashed Marsheiqua's nose right the fuck in, who's gonna pork her now, right? Then it was time to settle the score with NoDickFuckFace. See he had a motor cycle and some people called him the Fonz, personally I always knew just what he was a short, fake Italian NoDickFuckFace. I had to chase him on horseback for a while and nearly caught up to his weak ass motorcycle. That's when the little fake guido jumped into water skiis and was all over the fucking lake. Little did he know that my home planet is completly covered with water. I jumped in and jumped up out of the water right before the fuck face tried to jump a tank filled with starving african children. so up I came out of the water , I reached up and ripped his sack right off. He fell and was devoured by the starving children. A crown was formed around the lake and I banged like tree chicks that night. Yes, that his scotum that I wear around my neck, its the original qurterback sack, fucker. Next question please.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Top 5 Celebrities I'd Like to Nail

5.Judith Light: Angela from TV's Who's The Boss
4.Carl From Love Actually: Ok, he's a dude, but what a dude.
3.Alexandra Steele and Heather Tesch: Weather Channel's hot little bunnies. I'm dying to get inside their pants suits.*
2.Chelsea Clinton: legal, braces off.

*Counts as one, cause I'd only want 'em both at the same time.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Payback's a Bitch

I knew there was a reason I hung out with Krenzel. Wouldn't you know it Krenz's daddy has a hovercraft. It's amazing what some people will let you borrow when you give them season tickets to the greatest football team to ever grace god's earth. I'll tell ya, the only thing better than givin it back to that old Guido and snuffin that smug Bill Clinton-Lookin Muther fucker, was knowing that this is gonna up us two points in the ranks fah shizzle.

I wrote a poem to commemorate our vengence. It's called The Smiting.

Vengence, swooping in.
interupts a delightful swim,
Water once blue, flows red,
My foes, now dead.
Hovercraft, Hovercraft,
I fucking love Hovercrafts.

Pretty good huh. Can you believe that only took me an hour to write. Then I did a couple whip-its.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

All I want is a hovercraft...

Hovercrafts are so fucking sweet. Seriously, what can't you do with a hovercraft? They're the coolest vehicles because you can go on land, or water. The other day I was sitting in traffic, bumper to bumper gridlock, and all I could think was, "If I had a hovercraft the river would be my highway, my only obstacle would be my own inhibitions, and maybe some rocks." I tell ya, if I had a hovercraft, I could have done alot of good for those poor people in New Orleans. That's a fact, Jack. Hovercrafts really are the wave of the future. They're fuel efficient, and fun for the whole family. They're really good in the snow.

I just huffed a huge bag of ether.

If I had a hovercraft, I could take it out on the lake with my buddies. We could use them to waterski, or fish, or whatever. Maybe they too would buy hovercrafts. We could have hovercraft parties, maybe race them, or maybe we'd just dance around the lake in syncronized patterns, sort of like a parade. Is synchronized hovercrafting an olympic sport? It should be. Anyway, I don't know? I make a good living, but my damn wife, she just won't let me get one. Maybe I'll trade her in for a younger model...someone who likes hover crafts?

Ha ha, I'm just kidding, honey. Someday you, me, and our hovercraft will tour this great country via it's natural highway, the Mississippi/Ohio River system. Well, here's to dreaming. I guess until the day comes that I can take my hoover craft and retire on some forgotten lake in some pristine nook of rural America, I'll keep chipping away at that grindstone, reaching for that rainbow.

My Mighty Unicorn

It's a creature of carnal delight
rub his horn - he'll keep you up all night
he likes to wear a magical hat
keeps him safe when the booty goes clap
he wants to frolic in your mountain dew
he doesn't quit - til' the job is through
you'll love his horn cause it's big and strong
it's mighty, magical and really long

and if he likes your - style of whorin'
he'll keep it goin' till - four in the mornin'
when you wake up - you'll feel real sore an'
when you roll over - he might be snorin'
jus' grab his horn and - an' he'll fit a couple more in

two at once? yah that's no trouble
my unicorn's always up for a double

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Fucking Retards

Hey... I'm just kiding.

I only let them give me head.

Friday, October 07, 2005


Fuck you, Cleveland Indians.

Jerks. Jerky dumb dummy heads. Thanks a lot fuckers. Not only did I waste a bunch of money on tickets, booze and whores last weekend, but because of those ass hats I ended up in the clink. Now, I've done hard time before and a little trip up river is normally no big deal. It was just really inconvienent. Although, I met a young man who just might make one hell of linebacker if he can beat that murder rap he was brought in on. I got some ink, kept my exit an exit and stabbed a puerto rican pimp in his spleen with a shiv that I made out of a toothbrush. Jim Tressel will NOT be any man's bitch. I kind of miss the constant wamth and security of little stevie's hand always in my back pocket, though. Sweet, sweet little angel faced stevie, i called him sugar beacause he gave it up so sweet (I sold him the day i got out for two cartons of cigs and a candy bar). Have you ever been wasted on prison hootch? Its fucking amazing. I was so fucked up, I think that I hallucinated that I was the jolly green giant right before I choked that cop with his swiny belt. You can learn a lot of new things in the old push push. A young man named Cockroach taught me how to make a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron, a paper bag and a llittle patience. He aslso taught me how to kill a man with a spoon.
How did I end up in such a pickle, you might ask? Legally i'm not supposed to say anything about the circumstances leading up to the four county car chase, the "big" explosion at that stupid "power plant" or the mexican stand off that I held at that jehova's witness temple (what a bunch of uptight, self rightious assholes) but long story-short. When you are really really pissed off like I was this past weekend (fuck you Wedge) it's generally a bad idea to put a professional athlete in a choke hold on national television. Catch ya on the flip-flop bitches!