Goin' to Clam Canyon

Man, what a month this has been, huh. Just finished my Christmas shopping last night. Got the wife an Xbox 360 and some edible panties, as for Bucky, I got him a brand new scratching post. Should be a good time. Now that that's all taken care of it's time for a little Celebration. I'm goin' to Clam Canyon!!!

Boy I sure do love goin down to Clam Canyon. It's my favorite place in the whole wide world. The wife always hates it when I go there. She complains about the smell, and the mess. That's why I usually go without her. I don't know what it is about Clams. Maybe it's the way the juice runs down my chin. Sometimes I like the team to go with me. A couple of em just like to sit and watch, see how many Clams coach can take on at once, some of em like to join in the fun. Those clams are tough to pry open, that's when I need a little help from number 47, but man, once I get my tounge in there and start slurpin, it's nothing short of heaven. They also have dollar drafts and all you can eat Jalapeno Poppers. I'll tell ya, it's a good time.

Then after dinner, I'm gonna get some pussy.

All I want for Xmas....

Dear Santa,

It's me, Tressell, Coach Jim Tressel. I'll bet you're wondering what I want for Christmas. I've been such a good boy, and what I really want is...a Hovercraft. I know I ask every year, and usually I get something else, a sweater vest, a sack of porn, an anger management book, but this year has gotta be the year.

I've been so very good. I've cut back on my driving indiscretions, I've wasted even more hours down at that shithole Children's hostpital, I even stopped feeding Bucky tuna, because it hurts Dolphins. I'm 9-2. My players don't touch roids...what the fuck o do I have to do. All I want is a hovercraft.

A hovercraft is the perfect vehicle for smiting my enem.... I mean delivering Wheels on Meals. It's gonna be a nasty Winter, how else am I going to deliver hot soup to all those Geezers? With a car? Yeah, right. Maybe in the future when cars can fly. Until, then, a hovercraft is clearly the answer.

And if you don't bring me a hovercraft, you better not show your goddamn face anywear in the greater Columbus area, or I'll bust your mouth open like a goddamn pinata. Hola, Papa Noel. And for Christ sakes, no more sweater vests, I already have like a hundred. I mean it, if you fuck up, I'll go hebrew.

Love,
Jimbo