Saturday, March 25, 2006

Writer's Workshop

Hello world, it's me, Tressel. Coach Jim Tressel. I kinda got a problem, and I was hoping some of you out there in Tressel's World could give me a hand. As many of my avid readers may know, I'm currently working on a screen play. It's kind of a sci-fi musical, but I don't really wanna confine it to genres. Any how, the basic premise is in the year 3,000 AD, the future, there's this football Coach. He's an android. The thing is, he has a microchip that lets him feel emotions, and because of this microchip, he won't go pro, even though he should, you know, for the money. He doesn't though, cause he cares about the kids, cause of his chip.Then one his kids get's busted by the Intergalactic Space Police for taking money from a booster rocket, and he's kind of in the dumps about that. He's really tormented. So I'm kind of stuck in this scene where he confronts his creator, a scientist. He's mad, and he wants to express his anger, but he's torn, because it's his creator.

COACH: Why did you make me love. All I want is to be free. Free of emotions. Free to go pro. I could make so much money. Oh why, oh why did you make me care.

SCIENTIST: It is because I care for you, that I made you love. Look inside. You know that what I did was right. I made you love, because I love you.

COACH: But what is the point of love, if all it brings you is pain.

SCIENTIST: Love has brought you more than pain. What about all the beautiful queens of all the alien races of the galaxy. They all want you to pleasure them. Could this be without your humanity.

COACH: They only want to be with me for my sexual stamina. My robotic cock. They could care less about my heart. My fake, silicon heart. How it burns beneath my vest. My sweater vest.

SCIENTIST: I care about your heart. And your vest. It doesn't look stupid.

So basically I think this could go one of two ways.

Option 1: the Coach punches the scientist in the chest and rips his heart out. Then he kicks him out of an air-lock. Personally, I think it's the most realistic contingency, and it also provides a good plot twist. I forgot to mention this, but the scientist is also the President of Jupiter, so kicking him out of an airlock means coach is in a lot of trouble. I mean from there it would get really exciting, and basically it writes itself.

Unfortunately I wrote this really great musical number that Coach and the Scientist could go into. The Coach would sing about the paradox of his humanity and his imortality, his longing to be free, and the Scientist would sing about how he's always wanted a son, and now he kind of has one, but it's too bad his son is angry at him. It ends with them embracing in mutual love and forgiveness. It's a tear jerker, but it results in some serious writer's block.

I don't know. What do you guys think would make a better story?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go with the musical number. The Academy loves musicals...then he can rip the scientist's heart of both worlds

8:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


how bout a musical number, where you change love to hate, and so on and so forth. And then rip his heart out.

But ur dialoguing skilzz is mad sick yo'

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a huge fan of the heart rip/kick out the airlock deal. If he could maybe grab onto the scientist's heart as he's opening the airlock and kicking him out of it, causing his body to pull backwards and tear his own heart out by default, I think this would not only be the best of BOTH worlds simultaneously, but perhaps the BEST thing in the WHOLE world. Also, is Denzel Washington going to be in this movie?

10:58 PM  
Blogger traciemasek said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you are a racist

1:32 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

I'm not racist. In fact, I've cast Denzel Washington in the role of the scientist/president of Jupiter. So there!

4:20 PM  
Anonymous kristin said...

hm. that's a tough call, coach. i'm thinking you should do the musical bit, then after a warm embrace and loaded pause, denzel/the president of jupiter/your creator says something REALLY stupid and obviously WRONG to piss you off, (e.g. "besides, coach, you'd never make it as a would spurrier it so badly, you wouldn't last a season). then you do the heart-rip-out, then throw denzel AND his heart out the airlock. or maybe even take a bite out of the heart and then spit it out the airlock and throw the heart after it?

9:21 AM  
Anonymous Phillip Seymour Hoffman said...

Coach Tressel, you had promised me the role of the Scientist/President of Jupiter. What's the deal? All the residents of Jupiter are obese, pointy-eared, fair skinned, klingon-human hybrids, so I don't think Denzel would fit the role anyway. Please get back to me on this, my agent said it was in the bag.

P.S. I'm partial to the musical, as I think it would parlay us both into academy consideration.

11:00 AM  
Anonymous maurice said...

I'd go for the airlock thing. THEN the musical number.

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Jerry Bruckheimer said...

It needs more explosions, and some kind of a car chase. Maybe a rocket ship chase...with a boat AND a car. And then a knife fight. All of this happening durring the musical production. And Louie Anderson HAS TO BE the scientist. Excuse me one moment.


Where was I? Oh yeah, Louie. I'm telling you tressel, Louie's got his second wind coming with his career. And right after the knife fight, and the robot-coach ejects the scientist into space, the scientist gets rescued. By Pirates.

Space Pirates.

And we'll throw a few more explosions in the rescue for good measure. I've already called in too many favors with Johnny (he's the best fucking wingman ever), so I don't think we could get Depp as the leader of the pirates, but I practically own Nicky Cage. We'll get him in there.


Bay, talk to me baby...uh huh....uh huh...well tell those bastards that Transformers would be NOTHING without you. NOTHING!

Where were we? Right, Nicky Cage. My movies are the only things that no-talent fuck stick ever gets any more. Once this movie gets made we're going to get so much vaj, Jimmy. Like Matthew McConaughey loose in a sorrority with a bottle of roofies on open bar night kinda vaj.

3:04 PM  
Anonymous Ang Lee said...

I'd say go with Denzel and the Jupiter theme, but just before kicking him out make sure there's a homo scene involved. Then you can say something gay like, "You had me at - Hell! Look at that wiener!" or "I can't quit you Zorg!".
THEN you can kick him out of the air hatch. Now that's pure Oscar/Tony material there!!

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Gary Moeller said...

Coach, I don't see why you can't have both things. Use the musical number as a prelude, perhaps over opening credits. You can get your backstory in easily, and then you can still have the visceral thrill of the airlock scene. Kristin's idea about biting/spitting out the heart is also good.

6:24 AM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

re: what ang lee wrote

The movie wouldn't win an Academy Award with a gay theme. The world is not ready for a gay football coach.
I hope we do not see any space pants tents unless Coach is looking at a hot female alien.

8:19 AM  
Anonymous anon anon said...

What about a fat android cat? Now that's a role for Louie Anderson.

11:00 AM  
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