Sunday, April 09, 2006

Down and Out on Spring Break

Tressel, here. Coach Jim Tressel. Man, what a couple weeks I've had. Haven't updated much in the last two weeks. I was headed down to the Winter Music Conference in Miami Florida. Wanted to show off some of my fat beats, switch my plates with my good friend Carl Cox. Some of you might know of me by my stage name, DJ Galactic Star Crunch. Unfortunately I never made it there. That's cause, like a dumbass, I agreed to carpool with Skeete, who was headed down to Panama City for Spring Break. Needless to say, I wound up partying with him for two weeks and doing quite a bit of drugs. Most of the last two weeks is a blur. I remember very little between March 28, and yesterday morning at about 3am, when I woke up face down in a pool of someone elses vomit, wearing nothing but a sweater vest, in a parking lot of a Chick Fil-A in Huntsville, Alabama. There was a syringe in my arm with half a speedball still in it. Needless to say, I pushed the rest through, cleaned the blood off my ass, and then after waiting in the bushes for an hour, beat a trucker unconsious, took his pants, and wallet, and hopped a Gray Hound to Ohio. Needless to say I'm now home safe, back with the misses, in Columbus. Wouldn't you know it, but tucked into the front pocket of my sweater vest was a disposable camera. Here a some of the pictures. I don't know what the fuck I was on, that I decided to wear this shirt, but I do remember that the woman behind me could bounce on a stick o' meat like nobody's business. Man, the things that lady was willing to do for beads, there's nothing like an experienced woman.

Still, one of the best things about going down to spring break is reaching out to the young people. Check out these skanks. All I remember about these girls is they really liked to listen to OAR. What a fucking terrible band.

Somehow, I'm not sure how, but somehow I wound up on a boat.

Did I mention I did a lot of coke?

So needless to say, it's a miracle I'm still alive. I think next year, I'm gonna take it a little easier.


Blogger Boston Strangler said...

dawg, you rhyme, dj and produce?

you're the next dr. dre!

11:24 PM  
Anonymous LeCharles,Bitches! said...

Fuckin A coach... that bim in the "tanks" shorts has more of her underwear's washer/dryer tag showing than actual underwear showing!

Odd Lots, lingerie, dude...

12:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coah, you gotta slow down...You're entering Chris Farley territory here. And I think there might be some ethics violations in there somewhere. On the bright side, at least you got away from Maurice. By the by, I think I saw waffles the other day. Fucking dog was trying to score some meth.

8:53 AM  
Blogger Doug said...

I literally laughed so hard I cried.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Never change, Coach. Never change.

6:30 AM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

Hey Coach Dude, you should really look into hanging out with Mike Price.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous B1G PUN1SHER said...

This was your best work to date... I also cried reading this, the pics are priceless... I mean come on, a Man-thong and the Sweater Vest?! SWEET

12:59 PM  
Anonymous powderedtimbits said...

Hey coach......please make sure that you dont end up like Chris Farley. Sure he was fat and who doesnt love (to laugh at) a fat man? But remember, you won't go pro, even though you should, you know, for the money. You say you care about the kids, but what will happen to the force known as THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL TEAM with out the vest roaming the sidelines? You are a positive role model for these kids man!!!! I mean, who will Alex Boone turn to for advise and a ride home? Can you imagine what that would do to Krenzel? He is already close to jumping off the bridge, the only way he gets poon tang is with your help (it aint the PT cruiser). And think about Maurice. He would be devestated. Please coach, give one tit Mary a call and get yourself clean (while you're at it, tell us the one tit Mary story). Think about the kids and your loyal fans.

3:04 AM  
Blogger Joe Berenguer said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:49 AM  
Blogger jeff and tracie cote said...

coach, now u r bringing it thinks you need another bender before things start picking up here in the spring, summer, all that tape to to let it hang out a bit...farley was double A ball at best....have you been to las vegas or thailand? i think you can squeeze in a trip

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what the hell? WHere ya been?
You dead coach??!!!

12:44 PM  
Anonymous powderedtimbits said...

He isnt dead. He was on the radio today. That fag Herbstreit was trying to get coach to talk about second string quarterback or something. I kept thinking, THATS FUCKING JIM TRESSEL! He has a screenplay to write, some meth to cook up, some hookers to kill. He doesnt have time for these lame-ass questions! But really coach, we're all kinda worried about you in buckeye land.

P.S. What do you think about the South Campus Gateway?

4:49 PM  
Anonymous Walter Partyka said...

You have a nice-sized pecker. I can now understand why a middle-aged man such as yourself gets a lot of young pussy.

8:29 AM  
Anonymous James Agnew said...

I'd fuck that nigga bitch.

1:28 AM  

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