Friday, June 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert's Ear

Hello earthlings, it's me Jim Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. Just here to share some wisdom and rhymes with all my little b(f)ucknuts. Did you know that my dick is so big that my dick has it's own dick and it's dick is bigger than yours? My dick is so big it doesn't even return Spielberg's calls. There's a new movie coming out this fall called Godzilla vs. My Dick. One time I fucked a car wash and I gave it stretch marks. I pay my dick rent. Shucks, my urologist keeps a ladder in his office. My dick is so big that when I make it angry, it rips it's shirt off, turns green and it beats me. Sit back & buckle up and while I drop some sugary, rhymic treasures upon your common, simple, suburban lives. Don't hate the players or the game, just hate youself if your strategy's lame. My shit's tight like Mary Kate and Ashley circa. 1987 tonight. Feel the the flow, sniff some blow and let me roll.



i bust big scarlet & grey nuts
on dirty, slutty co-eds butts
i'll break your weak-ass leg
like i'm breakin' an egg
scamble your punk-ass face
while i rock this stinkin' place
yo mamma's got a crocked titty
like stephen colbert's ear
so make me a sammich
and get me a beer
i come correct - right
that's why my shit's tight
you didn't know your girl cries
when i lick her tender thighs
punks scatter to the walls
they know i came to break balls
you're on your broke-ass knees
while i'm countin' my cheese
cuz it's a breeze
i uses to nail condoleez-a
your girls a nasty dog
she's got ticks and fleas-a
let the haters keep their hate
couldn't lick my plate
booster money keeps my boys
from going upstate
coach jimmy t. is up in this hizzy
laddies get undrizzy
laddies get bizzy
then they get outzy
cuz jimmy's got cloutzy
sit on it - spin around
shut your mouth
after i punch the clown
don't let the door hit ya
where jimmy just bit ya

peace.

11 Comments:

Anonymous cottoncandy said...

"Big dick" jokes. You're running of material. What's next. Mother jokes?

7:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I masturbate to your heavenly poems

8:28 AM  
Anonymous Pompous Ass said...

cottoncandy

alright, let's get off mother's...cause I just got off yours.

Go Bucks.

11:15 AM  
Anonymous cottoncandy said...

pa, humor usually involves cleaverness and irony. Just doing what I told you to do, or purely obvious things aren't funny.

Like, maybe a crack on my dad, or sister, that would have been funny.

This blog started off being a riot. It is petering out.

12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck off you little bitches, this blog is still hilarious. Keep it up Mr. Tressel.

5:07 PM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

re: cottoncandy

He has more important stuff to do with the football team, you fuck.

We're not going to see great material around here again until next January, you dumbass prick bastard.

7:29 PM  
Anonymous s. colbert said...

"Running of material"? Your grandmother has some tasty grey cotten candy between her legs. There, is that what you wanted "cottoncandy" I attacked your family. Leave the coach alone. He's experimenting with his rap career. There was a yo mamma joke in his rap. Pay attention. Let's do lunch again Coach... but lay off the ear jokes. I thought nobody noticed, I'm trying to make my cheese - don't fuck with my non aerodynamic head. This is a warning you little sweatervest sporting bitch. One more crack and I'll cancel the interview.

12:20 AM  
Anonymous Barbara Streizand said...

I think I'm in love.

9:22 PM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

My friend, Dan Hartman, stopped over yesterday (at the farm in South Brunswick, not at my home in Newark) after work and he shit his pants reading this fuckin' blog because he found it so damn funny.
I wasn't going to give him a pair of my boxers or shorts and I didn't want him sitting in my car with soiled clothes, so we walked to the nearest clothing store (two miles one way). I told him to hang the shitted underwear from a tree on one of my neighbor's front lawns.
Once we got to the store, he had to walk in with smelly shorts 'cause some of the turds seeped through his undies. I kept my distance because I didn't want any hot bitches to think I was with the pants shitter dude.
(Even though I am married, I am still looking for more twat.)
Anyway, he got his new clothes and is now banned from looking on my computer.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mother fucker, where have you been?

6:45 AM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

to anonymous,

I've been around- same shit- working, farming, playing basketball, humping (my wife and some female coworkers from my day job {note- the farm is not my day job- I don't fuck sheep}), playing fantasy sports, watching tv, etc.

6:33 PM  

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