Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Q & A Once Again

Hey kids. It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I've been really busy preparing for another awesome season sure to be full of kicking the weak, sub-par asses of all that stand in my way. So yeah, I guess I haven't had all that much fun lately. All work and no play blah, blah, blah. Between practices, press conferences, shoving footballs up asses and serving up some of my signature ass kick salad today, I thought I might open up the "World" to a little Q & A. Remember no football questions, ask about Ann Coulter's clenis or why Krenzel's afraid of tranny midgets or why Ken Blackwell can only bust a nut when he's with an Asian hooker with an underbite and crooked boobs. Ask anything - just no football, Jimbo gets paid to talk about his mighty Buckeyes, and I doubt any of you could even afford to pick up my bar tab on a Wednesday, so go ahead and ask, find out more about the man behind this this big, red, intergalactic, ass kicking machine. Saturday should be a walk in the park. Remember always bet on red, I do... you should see my house.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Coach Jimbo, Celebrity Insider

Hey there Hollywood gossip nuts! It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. Gearing up for the new Buck's season is really wearing me thin. So I thought I'd pull my foot out of some scarlet and grey asses and try a new little segment on Tressel's World called Coach Jimbo, Celebrity Insider.

Sure was hot this summer, but if you ask me it got way hotter when Step Up hit the theaters. The Coach has one word for this film, steamy. Take one dreamy street dancer/janitor/soon-to-be meth dealer, add one prissy little ballet dancer fighting for mommy's appoval - stir gently and you've got a jar full of cinematic magic. A plot this original hasn't been done since ummm umm Footloose, Dirty Dancing, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo, Save the Last Dance, Chorus Line, Fame, Saturday Night Fever and Lambada.

Twins or seperated at birth?You saw it here first kids. Chad Smith, Chili Pepper's drummer and Will Farrell. I've never seen them in the same room together, have you? Speaking of douche bags, if Britney ate a bunch of corn, peanuts and tater tots(to hold it all together), took a mighty dump, dressed it in a wife beater and rapper hats, bought it a car and let it drive around town, could it become any more popular than her hubby Kfed? Yes, the answer is yes.He sure is talented though. Speaking of tits have you checked out the shot of Linsey Lohan's side boob?I would knock the freckles off of those sweet, meaty, sweater kittens. Side boob it totally the new under boob. but not as good as boobs pushed-against-glass-view boobs. Speaking of molestation Don Vito got caught with his fat hands in the wrong 12 year old's pants at one of his nephew's events in Colorado.Viva La Opps. Lazy eye? That fucker packed its bags and left town, Uncle Don. Speaking of ballsacks, reports that (old scrote-chin) Ben Affleck fathered a child before his marraige to Gardner are swamping the interweb. Insiders say that they have uncovered secret medical reports stating that the child, a boy, was born with a face that looks just like a ballsack. The mystery baby's name? Swain.The rare disease is now known as Swain's Disease or in less clinical circles as "sack face". That's all for now Bilbo Douche Baggers, I've got to invent all new ways to shove footballs up these kids asses - success starts with motivation. Motivation sometimes starts with your Coach Jimbo's foot and someone's ass. Until next week. HUT! HUT! RED 52!

Oh and if anyone was worried about Mo, don't. I'll have him out in no time. He's got a friend on the inside. I seriously own this friggin' town.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Cockblocked By My Blog or How I Almost Nailed Ann Coulter

Damn it, hey Buckaroos. It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I keep it real here, I'm not pulling any punches with you kids. Except for when Mrs. T found out about the "world", everything was great. Cockblocked by my blog? Yeah it happened.

So last Friday Kenny Blackwell called me up last minute to go to some boring republican fundraiser at the Ritz downtown. I was going to tell him to go blow himself but then he mentioned something about an open bar and hookers and a bag of blow he snagged off of his PR guy. He said he'd drive - I said ok, whatever blah, blah blah....

We get there, I shake the sweaty palms of a bunch of half dead stiffs in suits who can't wait to tell me how great I am. You know, the usual garbage that I have to endure at these damn things. So after about six jack mannhattens this blond broad who kind of looks like a bird walks up to Kenny and the Coach (that's our handle when we karoke) smoozing it up with the regular assault of compliments and bullshit. She called me her hero or some crap so I asked Kenny who the skank was and he was like - Ann Coulter you jackass. Then I gave him a purple nurple and didn't let go until he named five breakfast cereals. Apparently she's some crazyass republican chick who loves the jesus a bit too much and doesn't know how to keep her piehole shut. I only watch sports and cartoons so I was frigin' clueless.

Kenny lined up four shots of 151 and then dared me to try and nail the broad. I figured it would be a challenge and took the bait. Those crazy religious chicks are always way slutty whores anyhow. So I strolled over to her, said some stuff about jesus and told her about Camp Tressel. We had some drinks, she flapped her gums about some war in the middle east that is apparently going on or something and then she dangled her room key in my face and grabbed little Jimmy and made me name five breakfast cereals before she let go.

Bing bang boom, back to the room. She said something about making herself more comfortable and left the room and came back in an outfit identical to the one I wore in New York. It was on. I was trying to get the thing off while she was licking my ear and talking dirty. I got my hand down her pants and was ready to use a technique I invented called the Columbus landslide when she whispered into to my ear "I'm going to rock your world". I replied "Rock Tressel's World baby, rock that world".

That's when things went south. Then she said "That's that awful fake website someone writes about you." I was like oh my people write for me I know its kind of lame I think they do my myspace page too, they make me look like an asshole. She said, "No Tressel's World on blogger, it's an abomination." I don't even know what abomination means but she was starting to piss the old Coach off. I told her Tressel's World is my world baby you're going to have to leave.

She made a big stink about the room being hers so I called hotel security and had her ass removed, we're in Columbus. I think it might be legal for me to kill people here. Anyway the situation sorta licked nuts, but I got Kenny on the horn and he had some ladies with him, I had a free room and we made the best of it.