Saturday, July 01, 2006

Yeah... whatever.

Hello neighbor, it's me Tressel, Coach Jimmy Tressel, some of you out there in Tressel's World have been complaining about the coach not posting enough. Well let me lift my balls up off your chin long enough to explain to you that I have this team that I coach called the Ohio State Fucking Buckeyes, an interplanetary force of cosmic destructive awesomeness, don't forget that. I figure that if I get another bowl game under my belt Jimmy T"s going to be getting some Hollywood pussy, at least a Desperate Housewife or two. That's why I've been working extra hard this year.

Have you ever had to punch your nextdoor neighbor in the nuts just because you slapped his wife's fat ass and passed out in his yard, woke up next to his teenage daughter and made sweet love to her behind their garage while the sun gently rose to start a new beautiful day and maybe gave her the clap? I have.

Is anyone watching any of this world cup nonsense? It's hard not to. The games are on like four channels. I was stoned out of my gourd last week in some chick's dorm room watching a game on the Spanish channel. I kind of got into it for a second but then I realized that I was just high and the chick and her roommate were both on the soccer team and I was hoping to get some action off the roommate. It was kind of like when you're surfing the porn super highway, you know the interweb, and you see a picture of some skank who has a weird vagina (a really meaty one, maybe a clenis or just one of those big ones that goes from the ass to the belly button) and you think that's hot, just because it's weird. But then your like no - that's just weird. That's how I felt watching soccer.

Sure I'll have my agents go kidnap some Scandinavian kid who plays soccer when I need a new kicker, but that game is way retarded. Think of the guys who played soccer at your high school. They were usually skinny or short, had bad skin - goofyassed haircuts and were most likely foreign. No son of mine legitimate or not will ever play that girl sport. What self respecting sports fan could appreciate a sport responsible for promoting the mullet?

That's all for now kids. The Coach has grown up stuff to do. I'm keepin' it loose so keep it tight, ladies leave the door unlocked I'll be by later tonight.


Anonymous Anonymous said...


2:05 PM  
Blogger Boston Strangler said...

good to have you back coach. Just remember, if there's grass on the field, they're old enough to play ball

2:22 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

if there's grass on the field, it probably fell out of my pocket.

2:33 PM  
Anonymous BigWill said...

good to see you back, Coach.

9:58 AM  
Anonymous hillary clinton said...

i think i might have a weird vagina, it's real meaty and kind of floppy. it looks like someone took a piece of rotten beef and tried to make it look like a retarded butterfly. is that hot?

6:10 PM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

I'd do you, hillary. The twat sounds good.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Len Bias said...

Nice to have you back, Coach. Bump a few rails and bang a few dirty, dirty whores for all of us. Hope the screenplay is going well. Just a head's up, I heard Taylor Hicks is in talks to play Randy Walker. Yup, I said it.

11:00 PM  
Anonymous cottoncandy said...

That's more like it. You're back JT. I can dig it.

8:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FACT: Taylor Hicks once sucked seven hundred and forty nine balls in under 86 minutes.

9:31 AM  
Anonymous Tony said...

Good to have you back.
We were lost without your guidance.
Keep kicking ass and taking names.
And post some pics of your neighbor's daughter and wife, would ya?

1:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dad, why did you put my class picture on your website?

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd rather watch a weeks worth of 0-0 soccer ties then watch your collection of convicts play football.


11:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those "convicts" will be ramming footballs up your blue ass like it's a reverse pez dispenser.


1:48 PM  
Anonymous Ric Flair Woooo said...

Is that because watching OSU makes you realize how far behind lil' blue is? Maybe you can rebound and start losing "only" three games a season again.

11:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe you can go blow yourself, ric flair wooo bitch

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Michigan; those who stay will go 7-5.

5:52 PM  
Anonymous Steve said...

Virginia tech will fuck ya all.

2:25 PM  

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