Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Penny Pinchin' Pointers

Hey there truebelievers, it's me, Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. This week, I'm going to start a new segment I'll be calling Coach's Penny Pinchin' Pointers for Particular Pals. I'll be sharing all kinds of new and exciting ways for you to stretch that dollar the extra mile. Lord knows we could all save a few bucks what with the price of gas going through the fucking roof and all.

So just last week my wife put filters on our AOL to keep me from being able to download pornography. I know, I know, what a cunt. Well, rather than spend tens of thousands of dollars on Pornographic videos and magazines like I did in the old days before the internet, I came up with a little scheme to get a nce spank without breaking the bank.

I visit fertility clinics pretending to be interested in making a deposit. Not only do I leave with an extra hundred bucks, but I also take the porn with me, by sneaking it out under my jacket. Now, I know what you're thinking, "But coach, I don't want my seed out there floatin around. What if some kid comes knockin' at my door in 18 years wantin some money or a hug or something?"

Don't worry, I already thought of that. Keep in mind I don't want any more illegitimate children, myself. That's how I wound up addicted to porno in the first place. Believe me, I could get a real woman if I wanted to. I just can't afford the paternity suits. Also, I got an image to maintain. What I do is real simple. I sneak a couple mayonaise packets in my pocket. Simple, easy, and effective. It's also kind of funny when you picture the look on Susie Man-haters face when she shoots a load of Helman's up the beave instead of Coach Jimmy's man-juice. Ha! Nine months and out pops a tuna on Rye!!! Better yet, next time marry a real man, instead of some Nancy who shoots blanks.

That'll teach ya, to bypass naturual sex!!! Man, there's nothing more beautiful than a man and a woman fucking. Mmmm Mmmm. Nature.

Well, that's this week's tip. Tune in next week when I'll tell you how to feed a family of six with just a box of Shake 'n Bake and a half cup of Crisco. Mmmm Mmm can't wait. See ya then, and keep on pinchin'!!!!



Anonymous Chris said...

Hey, Coach. Congratulations on making the Blog list on SI on campus. Check out "Blog Central."

5:54 PM  
Blogger TJE said...

This was too fucking much!

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

keep up the great work coach!

10:45 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh coach, doesn't your wife ever get you any?

I heard you have a special move in bed called the "buckeye blast" - how about filling us in?

11:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coach, would you autograph my special edition copy of A Season To Remember: Ohio State's 2002 National Championship?

7:39 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...


11:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about "What it means to be a buckeye"?

11:47 AM  
Blogger Boston Strangler said...


7:05 PM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

I've sort of done the same thing, Coach dude.
I pretended I was a janitor and that I had to empty the garbage (which I did- I brought a bag with me). I went into one of the spank rooms and stole a Swank, a Hustler (with a Kaylani Lee pictorial- very impressive!), and two Playboys.

9:28 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That pregnant woman is hot. I had to feel myself.

8:23 AM  
Anonymous Anthony Esposito said...

I agree with the other guy. Those are fuckin hot tits.

12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tressel you ignorant cocksucker, update your blog

11:37 PM  

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