Tuesday, July 11, 2006

It's Always Sunny In Columbus, Ohio

Hey there sports fans, it's me Tressel, Coach Jimmy Tressel. Hope you all had a great fourth of July. Mine was pretty sweet until the boys in blue showed up and started hassling me about an incident involving my neighbor's dog and some badasssed bottle rockets I stole from some kids down the street. Gee wiz, people are so uptight sometimes.

So the other night, I hit the town with my favorite OSU booster Bob. He's an ok guy but he likes to party. He promised to hook us up with some classy call girls so I said I'd catch the bill at dinner. He picked out a sweet little redhead with big cans for the coach and a little Asian one for himself. About eight bottles of wine into our meal things were going swimmingly until our waitress totally flaked out. I know that decent customer service is a thing of the past now a days, but Bob only grabbed her ass like twice. She was Indian or some kind of Spanish and didn't even recognize who I was. So I dumped some wine on Bob's hooker and asked the waitress to go in the back for some soda water, then we split. Bob grabbed the girls and I grabbed the Make-A-Wish kid and we jumped in my dodge omni that I tricked out to look like a buckeye helmet.

Oh yeah, I got stuck with one of those Make-A-Wish cancer kids for the day and had to bring him along. I thought we'd do something for the kid so we decided to get high and go to Lazer Planet, one of those laser tag joints. My old cat Scarlet had cancer and I had to crack it in the head with an ashtray and toss it in the fireplace with some gasoline for a Viking burial. It still makes me sad sometimes thinking about those fuzzy paws and those curious little green eyes (and all that sizzling, yuck). So I've got a soft spot for those creepy little cancer kids.

We get there - get suited up and were having a great time until the kid kept lighting me up in the back. I told him to get lost, he was totally messing up my score in the rankings. Out of nowhere the little bastard kicks your favorite coach flat in the old sperm wallet. After I recovered I got up took my belt off and strapped him to a post. I must have scored like 800 points on him before I got back to my regular attack. Needless to say "Boba Fett", that's my laser tag handle, ranked numero uno. We split and headed for the Holiday Inn. I pretended to look for the kid for a couple minutes so the girls wouldn't think I was a jerk.

We got there, ordered some bubbly and cheeseburgers, then tore the room apart and made it into an obstacle coarse. After a couple rounds of naked freeze tag and a game I call Goblin', it was time to turn the lights low and get down to business. All in all, it was a darn good time.

So here I am at Casa de Tressel looking to just wind down and relax. I walked in the door and Mrs. T was steaming. She was barking something about the Make-A-Wish people calling the house all morning. All I wanted to do was stop the cast of Stomp from performing in my skull, I gave her some cash and sent her ass to the mall. The phone's off the hook now and I'm getting ready to catch up on some cartoons I TiVo-ed, drink some orange pop, eat some cheetos, and relax.

What a night. I bet that Make-A-Wish kid is wishing he didn't kick me in the nuts. Gosh, I'd better get that belt back soon, my kids gave it to me last Christmas. The belt buckle says Big Jim.


Peace.

10 Comments:

Blogger Matt Cooper said...

you have a cool blog!
your sense of humor is
great. you should check
out my blog! its new
and still in the works,
but maybe you'll be
interested!
-matt cooper
http://detectivemattcooper.blogspot.com/

11:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck you MattCooper. We hate the name Cooper here in BuckeyeNation. "Please check out my blog" fuck you , you fuckin homo!! "You have a really good sense of humor Mr. Tressel" This isn't match.Com you pansy ass wolverine lovin queer !!!

6:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What kind of queer shit is on that fucking douche bag matt coopers blog? Matt Cooper, I hope you die of ball cancer.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Matt Cooper, you fuckin pussy! What makes you think the Great Jimmy T. has time to look at that gay ass fag blog of yours? He's prolly balls deep in that cracked out stripper daughter of yours right now, damn, the coach is a busy muthafucka. Meth, whores, recruits, and hovercrafts take up alot of HIS time. Not to mention his annual ass whippin of Michigan every fall. Don't even think of feminizing the Coach with that blog of yours, Bitchass punk!!

4:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is Matt Cooper any relation to that masturbating fiend Mike Cooper?

Because Mike Cooper is a disgrace to Buckeye fans everywhere, getting caught red-handed at the library beating the bishop.

Put that Ohio State sweatshirt to good use, Cooper, and use it to shield your hand while punishing Percy in the palm.

And you should have decked Carl Monday. What a puss.

7:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

nice cock, coach

2:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Matt Cooper- you are a fuckin cocksucker. That is an assholic blog, bitch. o fuck yourself.

2:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: nice cock, coach


You aren't kidding. I love Tressel. I would pay money to blow him.

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: anonymous

I hope you are not a guy.

9:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

coach, that was a fine story my friend...had me rolling...get back to work..

8:55 PM  

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