Friday, May 26, 2006

Soul Patrol

Word up ho, it's me Jim Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I've been so busy with stupid work stuff lately. It seems like every time I try to sit down and relax, some moron screws shit up and I've got to go and serve up some of my signature ass kick salad. Gee wiz, it just got to be too much so I decided to slow it down a little. I locked the door to my office, cleared all the spank mags off of my desk, got out my pencil and lit up a joint. So before this pile of awesome hits wax, here's my newest slice of lyrical street wisdom.

makin' queens of the galaxy scream
look at my pants they're starting to steam
sometimes I like em' chubby when I'm drinkin' jim beam
got more sweat on my hog than Barbarino or Epstein
so welcome back, put you face on my sack
here's a razor-shave the hair off my back
dropped my pants-now its time to attack
I'm droppin bombs on your face like a kid in irac
the big red vest is better than the rest
my hands are tired from signin' big ol' breasts
please give it a rest if that bush is a mess
The coach's got no time to mess with a crow's nest
believe what you hear-the rumors aren't fake
my dick's like a snake thet swallowed a rake
all the pretty ladies can't wait to partake
if I don't slow down my dick is gonna break


Monday, May 22, 2006

DaVinci Code Fever

Hey there fellow cinematequees, it's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel, and like most of you out there in Tressel's World, I've been suffering from a severe case of Davinci code fever. Now, I'm not officially a literary critic, but I do happen to mold young minds in one of the finest academic institutions in this great country of ours, and as such, I feel that I have a certain penchant for the art of the written word. After all, I write a blog. It is for this reason that I can make the following assertion...Dan Brown is a genius!

I mean it. This guy is a hell of writer, and might I add, it's about time people woke up and realized the treachery of the Catholic Church, and it's shadow organizations like Opus Dei. Kudos to you Dan Brown, for having the courage to expose their treachery.

But I digress.

Enough politics, I loved the book, but as for the movie....I really loved it! This is the must see movie of the year. Tom Hanks delivers yet another stellar performance in a movie chock full of edge of your seat excitement. Seeking to escape the oppresive summer heat? Well, this isn't the movie for you, because the chemistry/sexual tension between Hanks and (Audrey) Tatou sets the screen a' sizzle! This is far and away his finest performance since Forest Gump, which If you remember, I also gave two Bucks up,(because after all, life really is like a box of chocolates).

This has to be director, Ron Howard's finest film since Grinch. When is the academy going to give this man his due? Yeah, I know he already has an Oscar or two, but seriously, they should deify this guy. I mean it, he's the Frank Capra of this generation. Just give him an Oscar everytime he makes a movie. That's what I say.

Well, that's all for now. Until next time, pass the popcorn!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Looking Back, Looking Forward

Hey there, Buckaroos! Last weekend, I was over at Ken Blackwell's House looking through his medicine cabinet hoping to score some pain killers when I found a bottle of penicillin. It sure did bring back some memories. It also made me think about One Tit Mary and how our relationship has grown over the years. She's the hooker that found me face down in the gutter and taught me how to open up my heart and express the things that were trapped there for so many years. She also taught me how to cook up a mean batch of crack cocaine. This poem's for you, you nasty old ho.

An Ode to One Tit Mary

For a prostitute
I am absolute
though your teeth are few
that your heart is true

Having only one tit
never slowed you a bit
you've always come through
when my balls were blue

You walk with a limp
cuz, now I'm your pimp
keepin' it so sleazy
you make pimpin' easy

So get my 300 by nine tonight bitch
or they'll find your old nasty rotten whore ass in a ditch