Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Q & A Once Again

Hey kids. It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I've been really busy preparing for another awesome season sure to be full of kicking the weak, sub-par asses of all that stand in my way. So yeah, I guess I haven't had all that much fun lately. All work and no play blah, blah, blah. Between practices, press conferences, shoving footballs up asses and serving up some of my signature ass kick salad today, I thought I might open up the "World" to a little Q & A. Remember no football questions, ask about Ann Coulter's clenis or why Krenzel's afraid of tranny midgets or why Ken Blackwell can only bust a nut when he's with an Asian hooker with an underbite and crooked boobs. Ask anything - just no football, Jimbo gets paid to talk about his mighty Buckeyes, and I doubt any of you could even afford to pick up my bar tab on a Wednesday, so go ahead and ask, find out more about the man behind this this big, red, intergalactic, ass kicking machine. Saturday should be a walk in the park. Remember always bet on red, I do... you should see my house.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So coach, what's your take on Jane Seymour?

7:29 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...


Do you ever go to zoos?
If so, what animals do you like to look at the most?

7:41 AM  
Anonymous Ron said...

Ass Kicking Coach,

Any plans to coach atop the hovercraft this year? You know we are dying to see that. The Big Ten head office would just shit themselves if you did that.

8:35 AM  
Anonymous cottoncandy said...

So Jimmy J, say you're on a plane, and instead of snakes, it is overrun by Wolverines? Do you start slaying the little bastards, or do you sit back, knock down some Courvasier, knowing that you are like kryptonite to Wolverines?

8:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many times has Swain sodomized you?

9:11 AM  
Anonymous Mike said...

Coach, how's the screenplay coming along?

10:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jimbo: Mary Kate or Ashley?

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coach, what's the best dressing to serve with Ass-Kick Salad?

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Twa said...

Hey coach, big fan of your coke habit! Ever think of trying some other shit than blow and weed? Also if Coulter offered to do a line off your crank, would you still have kicker her out? By the way Domers are midget raping grandfathers!

1:46 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

1. Seymour is kind of hot in that trampy, librain-naked-tupperware party broad kinda way. I'd throw it in her can.
2. I'm not allowed in zoos any more, but I would say that my fav animal would be the American Elephant. Union soldiers rode them into battle durring the Civil War.
3. I just got approval to use my hovercraft at home games only. I just got mine tricked out with a PA system, some neon lights underneath and had buckeye leaves air brushed on the sides with skulls and unicorns.
4. The inflight meal is more likely to cause problems on a plane than some stupid made-up animal like a wolverine.
5. Meet me on the field tough guy.
6. Stay tuned for an update on my screenplay, but so far it looks like I will either be played by Vin Diesel or the Rock. I'm trying to get AC/DC to do the soundtrack.
7. Mary Kate or Ashley? Both.
8. What's the best dressing to serve with Ass-Kick Salad? Usually when some knucleheaded picklewiper asks me this question in person they find out real quick.

1:49 PM  
Anonymous Gary Moeller said...

Coach, I love your turns of phrase. I think your coaching abilities obscure a real wordsmith, and I hope you'll novelize the screenplay. Meantime, could you give us your favorite euphemisms for: (a) defecating, (b) vaginal intercourse, (c) anal intercourse, (d) urinating, (e) breasts, (f) vaginas, and (g) penises?

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Sam said...

Why can Ken Blackwell only bust a nut when he's with an Asian hooker with an underbite and crooked boobs?

4:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Would you ever blow a guy?

6:26 PM  
Blogger BoozerLoozer said...


Hows Bucky been??

-Love ya's

6:44 PM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo Coach!!

No football?? Sup?

In dat case, Which does u like fo' load'n up your AK? I been usin' tha 7.62 'cus it packs da best BLAOW!, but wit the 5.45, u can drop n*ggaz from, like, 200 yards.

What y'all think?



6:58 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

re: anonymous

Who here thinks Swain asked that question?

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swain is a mohosexual.

10:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do you feel about homos in the military? Also, what would you do if your starting offensive linemen guards came to you wishing you to perform their ceremony for their civil union? Have any problems with that?

3:19 AM  
Anonymous Supreme Allah said...


Blunts, Zig-zags, or bible pages?

5:01 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...


Do you ever pass gas in elevators?

8:19 AM  
Anonymous James Thunderthud said...

Do you like to eat Chinese food?

9:09 AM  
Anonymous Mitch Goldberg said...

Coach Tressel:

When your team wins, do you get hookers for the locker room?? It seems like a good way to motivate the players. I'll bet Troy Smith and Ted Ginn make a good Tag Team!!!

You are the King of the Buckeye Universe.


9:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Better hookers: Youngstown or Columbus?

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Dear Mitch Goldberg,

You asked a football question. Well, sort of, at least.
Coach may not answer it.

Cordially, yours,

Steven Swain

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...


Do you think aliens, sasquatches, the Loch Ness Monster, ghosts, and unicorns exist?

12:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

While I used to like Johnny Depp, I have no desire to see him lately, especially after seeing him in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

To me I loved the original and thought GENE WILDER was perfect in that roll. Johnny Depp, just made it too far over the top in trying to be different. I though the Gene Wilder's interpretation was much better.

However the kids of today wouldn't know that! It's wonderful that they liked Johnny Depp and the Movie and it just shows that one opinion is just that an opinion. There truly is something for everyone to enjoy!

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

what the fuck are you rambling about? it seems like you've been to a few fudge factories in your day, you fucking homo.

1:36 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

G.M. - (a) defecating-snakes in a bowl, (b) vaginal intercourse-slappin' the clam, (c) anal intercourse-the old mustard plug, (d) urinating-#1, (e) breasts-cans, hoots, fun bags, sweater rockets, (f) vaginas- hot pockets, and (g) penis-jimmy jr.

BoozerLoozer - Bucky's back to business as usual. He's been getting tons pussy in the neighborhood. I think he's almost forgotten about being jilted at the alter.

Maurice - Be patient. I'll have you sprung by monday morning, Mrs. T said you're allowed to stop by our labor day festivities, she's going to make that fried chicken you like so much. BYOB. The last B stands for beer not bulletproof vest.

Anonymous - Mo's in the millitary? Don't care. Mo's in the lockeroom? I never kicked Krenzel out. As far as i'm concerned everyone else but me is a mo.

SA - easy widers

MG - I don't allow any skirts in the lockeroom until after a game. Gotta give the boys a goal to work towards after a win. I make the kids keep em' in their pants for atleast 2 hours before every game. And speculating about Troy Smith and Ted Ginn tag teaming some skirt makes you half a mo, yo mo.

ss - i believe in aliens, unicorns and Jim Beam.

anon - as far the remake of that chocolate factory movie, it blew. I roll with the original. me an Mrs. T used to get stoned gloriously and watch that flick back in the day. My fav scene is where they all trip out on the boat and that chicken head pops up and makes you want to crap your pants. Even though the kid who plays Charlie in the orignal probably is blowing sailors for crack right now, he's still not as awful as Johnny Depp creeping around like a creepy, pale John Mark Karr in the new one.

3:16 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Did Swain really ask a question about unicorns?

Coach- What is your favorite nudie mag?

8:28 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Even if that mo swain asked, unicorns are pretty fucking sweet. I may very well be the most manly man ever to set two feet on this planet and I love to write poems about unicorns, especially the one in my pants.
Favorite nudie mag? The sears catalog underware and bra section. When you've seen as many naked broads as I have, sometimes it's hotter to guess about the mess underneath.

The mighty uincorn rules
over mountains and pools
of diamonds for the princess fair
dwarven spun ribbons for her hair

bitches want to rub his horn
but they have much to learn
don't fuck with the unicorn
don't fuck with the unicorn

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Bellefay1 said...


Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in paradise....

Best movie relased in 1987?

9:24 AM  
Anonymous The Wolf said...

Hey Coach,

Do you ever get tired of reading these stupid questions? I mean come on...Elevators, Unicorns? What kind of a jackass question is that? Is that dude about 3 years old, or something? Maybe that Swain kid should ask his parents how to spell grown up words like "sackface."

By the way, Snakes on a Plane is an awesome movie.

10:41 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: the wolf

Why don't you fuck off, dirtbag.

11:53 AM  
Anonymous Ron Mexico said...

Coach, do you have any homemade remedies for herpes?

1:21 PM  
Anonymous James said...

How much money would you be willing to put down that Swain's favorite song is "One More Time" by Daft Punk?

I am picturing Da Triple S (Steven Sackface Swain) dancing to that song in his apartment by himself at night.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Jefferson said...

Hey Coach T,
Good Luck with Saturday's game.
You going to visit with Bush in Texas next week?
Love, Jefferson.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Brad said...

Dear Coach Tressel,

Why did Bush knock down the Towers.



7:17 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Coach Tressel,

I will be watching your team today. I know they will kick Northern Illinoi's behinds.

I have a question, too. I thought about this when watching a special with my son on the Discovery channel (I think) about aliens a few weeks back.

Do aliens have two sexes? I always see these tv programs and movies with aliens in them (Fire in the Sky) ans books and gray aliens are always the same. I can't tell if there are males and females. Maybe the women don't have breasts?

Maybe there are three kinds of sexes with aliens. Like male, female, and something else. Maybe the third one's purpose is something us humans cannot comprehend.

Thanks Coach,


9:05 AM  
Blogger darthmoridin said...

Dear Jimbo,

Congratz on the win and shit. Who is the lucky co-ed who gets invited to the post-game cele-bang?

10:11 PM  
Anonymous Trevor said...


What do you do about bad breath when you get it?

Gum, mints, something else?

As for me I've kept my breath smelling like shit for the past 5 years. I'm already married so what do I care if strange women smell it?

I ask because I start a new job on Tuesday and do not wish to leave a bad impression with foul breath.

Good luck next week against the Texas assholes.

10:16 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

What do you call the black players on the team?

Meal ticket?

something else?


12:29 PM  
Anonymous said...


My question for Tressler is this:

Do you like Beyonce Knowles or Jessica Simpson more?

Also, if you want to join a Yahoo College Pick Em or Pro Pick em league, hit me up at my email address. That would be really great if I had the ol' ball coach in my leagues with me.

8:53 PM  
Anonymous said...

Coach Tressler,

If you could bed one of these broads and it could only be one of them, who would it be?

Ann Curry or Katie Couric?

9:03 AM  
Anonymous Greg said...

What are the odds this siriustrb2007 guy is a complete fuckin' jackass douchebag?

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Mike said...

coach, that was a nice swerve telling that douchebag mack brown that you voted his team #1 when you didn't. shit like this is the reason you are a legend, on and off the field.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Mentos Fillapeedios said...

While high on LSD during the post game press conferences do you think about maybe biting the microphone for nutrients?

9:49 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Bellefay1: never saw the second ond one. i don't believe in sequels unless it involves beating the tampons out of a team i've already defeated.

Ron Mexico: herpes is one of those urban legends. it doesn't really exist. it's like when you think that if your college roomate dies that the school you attend will give you staight a's that semester. fat chance, most likely you end up with some smelly, new roomate from bangladesh that will try to cook a goat in your dorm's courtyard and will cockblock you inadvertantly until the end of the semester.

Jefferson: i already turned down like six invites to the white house under bush's reign (that spoiled communist spoonfed fake texan born again retarded party bitch rumsfeld buttbuddy cheerleading draft-dodging world controling arab pretending-not-to-be-friends-with-yet-deepthroating-saudi-cock cocksucker) what makes you think i'd visit him? i hope to embarass him and his whole war on destroying this fine country of ours, next week. this victory is for america. not for bush's "merica". fuck him with tommy lee's big hepititus filled penis

brad: why did bush knock down the towers? because he hates america and it made his family and friends rich, read between the lines, fuck - i hate that people can be so stupid and cattle-like.

Pat: aliens? i don't friggin' know, but i did see a ufo once and it changed my life. hell there better be some shit out in this vast universe of ours smarter than us. i deal with rockhead atheletes all day and dumber reporters, i hope there is someting smarter than all this - watching out for all these retarted shaved apes walking around this blue and green rock. like we know what's going on.

darthmoridin: Who is the lucky co-ed who gets invited to the post-game cele-bang? that's an easy answer. your sister, your wife and your granny. I know, i know we'll just dig your granny up.

bill: What do you call the black players on the team?there's no room for that kind of racism around here. i usually end up calling them #1 draft picks. so go put on your hood and go fuck yourself the only colors i see around here are scarlet and grey and green.

siriustrb2007: i don't gamble, i ain't going out like pete r. i do like a game of texas hold em'. next week they wiil have to change the name of that game to colubus hold 'em .

Mike: yes, college football is like a well played game of chess, or for that matter, like a well played game of colubus hold em' (it will be known as such after this saturday). the longhorns would change their stupid name if i pulled my pants down on the field.

i'll try to post on friday, kids. Q&A is over for now...

11:19 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:44 PM  
Anonymous Steven said...

Swaub here I like the win todays coach. I think that wa sa good gameplan as would be the case cuz you won.


I'm drunk sorry if this is shity post

11:10 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

I am so sorry for the drunk post of last night. Yo, I couldn't even spell my name right.

Steven Swaub? LOL! I hit the keys next to "I" and "N" and came up with "Swaub" on account of it.

Also Coach- why are the comments in a small window on the left side of my screen?

I am not used to this.

9:09 PM  
Anonymous Bobbyily Jimnis said...

I likez this site

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Darren Boucher said...

Wow. Just wow.

James Thunderthud, Jefferson, Trevor, Mentos Fillapeedios, Steven Swaub, and Bobbyily Jimnis.

I'll venture a guess that the last one was a bizarre typo. I would think that guy's name is Bobby Jinnis. I knew a family with the surname Jinnis.

As for the other names- wow. Just wow.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


What's with the short sleeved shirt and tie on the sideline? You look like the assistant manager at the Oxford, Ohio Wal-Mart.

9:48 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Hey nitwit,

The coach said no more questions.

He won't answer it but I will for you.

He wears the short sleeves because he sweats a lot.

He also wore the white shirt because the pit stains are not as visible.

9:54 AM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Hey Swain, what are you, the comments police? Tressel doesn't need a cyber groupie, so lay off his nuts once in a while, you two beer queer.

10:31 AM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Ha ha, Alex. That was great. I love seeing Swain getting put in his place here.
Also, interesting that Swain asked a question about the comments window the other night AFTER Tressel said "Q&A is over...". Then Swain calls out somebody else for asking a question!

11:44 AM  
Anonymous James Thunderthud said...

swain is plain and this is my real name, Darren.

If you don't like it you can go fuck yourself.

6:05 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Alex: I didn't mean to come across as a comments cop. My bad for coming across in such a manner.
As for your put downs, all I will say is that you wouldn't talk that me to me in person because I would knock you out.

Greg: I thought my comment about the comments window was topical. It really had nothing to do with Coach's Q&A session. I asked it because this happens to be the latest post/comments section at the moment and I felt Coach would most notice it here and now since the change was made a few days ago and I feel that was necessary to ask here at this time do to the current situation.

James Thunderthud: Cool name, if it really is real. Are you Native American? As for you saying I am plain that is okay with me. Ohio State is plain and we all like them. Of course, as a Virginia Tech alum I must represent that school a bit more than OSU, but that goes without saying.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

From Steve's Blog:

I'm one of those introspective, non-threatening, geeky, safe as milk types. Think Linus and/or Franklin from the Peanuts comic strip. I drink some, but I don't do drugs or smoke. I am also a music lover (contemporary jazz, rock, pop, R&B), bookworm (especially history, pop culture & architecture), architect (favorites: Palladio, Wright, Robert A.M. Stern), shopping fanatic (malls rock), budding (if not exceptional) chef, closet techno-geek (viva Macintosh).

Damn, you sound like quite the badass. And answer this, what is a Hokie's fan doing in Tressel's World? Only one school gets representing over here, and it sure as hell ain't Frank "Freak Show" Beamer's excuse of a team.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous Dteven Swain said...

Alex Boone,

My neighbor is a big OSU fan. He was telling me about this site one night when we were watching Star Wars on his huge TV. What a fuckin' experience that is, by the way! I can't wait to go over his place on Saturday. He's going to buy the new Star Wars DVDs that came out this Tuesday.

So that is how I stumbled upon this fine site.

I may be non-threatening and geeky but when it comes right down to it, I'll kick your ass (I'm not saying that to you specifically, rather I'm talking in generalities here). So fuck you, Boone.

By the way, first making fun of my face and now Beamer's face? Grow up. What are you in third grade?

6:59 PM  
Anonymous Krenzel said...

Hey Tress-dawg update this blog already. What are you chillin in your fucking palace/office? I just got new spinners on my PT and I want to cruise for some bitches.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous BIll said...

stop being a douchebag, Craig

9:01 PM  
Blogger Bobby Digital said...


Virginia Tech is shitty...Do you remember that guy Morrison who raped that bitch a few years ago, then she filed a law suit about it that went to the Supreme Court?
I had to read about that no-talent ass clown for like 30 pages...

Go Bucks-O.A.R. Sucks

12:48 PM  
Anonymous Carrie said...

What do you mean you had to read about it for 30 pages? Are you a law student?

What does O.A.R. stand for?

5:01 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Hey Carrie- Show us your tits.

9:15 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Word. We don't have enough to masturbate to here. Only really good thing was the Lohan tit shot.

9:58 PM  
Anonymous Supreme Allah said...

Swaine, it's a scientific fact that if you threaten to kick somebody's ass over the internet then you've never actually kicked somebody's ass. You're a pussy, just admit it. By the way, you look like Jared from Subway would look if he had Down Syndrome. Did you're mom do a lot of drinking while she was pregnant? Seriously though, there must be something in the water at VT. Your face, Beamer's neck; that's a lot of saggy, disgusting skin.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

I love to stick the crucifix up my ass. Head first Jesus!

5:45 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Bobby Digital- I do not recall Morrison. I didn't always watch football back then anyway.

supreme asshole- Fuck you and fuck your mother. I would like to meet you for a duel. I would shoot you in the gut and then dance on you while you were squirming around on the ground like a little bitch. Then I'd spit on you and fart in your face. Fuck you, shithead!

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Re: Pat

Well, that wasn't me. I would never write something blasphemous.

Whoever made that post needs help.

Whoever you are- leave that crap someone else. Coach Tressel does not have time for your nonsensical satanic worship drivel.

11:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great site. really funny

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: anonymous

I know it. It is great, even if they do try to fuck with me here. I know they all like me.

Hey, if you are one of the guys I referred to this site, let me know.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Coach Tressel,

Any chance you could hook up your loyal readers with free tickets to Ohio State games? Then after the game we could party with you. Imagine the stories that would come out from such an experience!

Even Pat could attend and tell us Bible stories.
Don't invite supreme asshole. It would be fun to kick his ass, I know. But it would just be a waste of energy which would be better used to fuck co-eds.

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Alvin Mack said...

Swain, does it pay well? Being an attention whore and all.

5:31 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Re; Alvin Mack

Who the fuck are you, nitwit? How dare you come out of the woodwork and knock people. Why don't you post something constructive?

7:08 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

re: party with Coach Tressel

I would partake in such an activity. I will not be telling Bible stories, Swain. I ould be there to drink a glass of wine or two and talk Buckeye football. If you guys get out of control I will remove myself from the party. So are we doing this anytime soon? I'm free for the Indiana, Minnesota, and Michigan games. Party on, dudes!

8:19 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Carrie, I'm still waiting for your tits.

9:49 PM  
Anonymous Jessie said...

I hate Tressel and his muffdiving.

5:09 PM  
Anonymous Steven SWain said...

Hey Coach Tressel,

Can you grow a beard? Just wondering. I think it would be a cool look for you.

7:44 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: Pat

I checked my schedule and I could make it there for the Minnesota and/or Michigan games. I would prefer the Michigan game because that would be extra intense and the pussy payoff at the party would be out of this world. I love Ohio breasts. I would get so much ass that night once I told the chicks I knew Tressel.

8:05 PM  
Anonymous O.G. Bucknut said...

Dear Coach,


You're no doubt drunk on victories and Goldschlager at the moment, but -- and I'm saying this as a sincere friend and admirer -- you really ought to sack up, pull out of that co-ed, powder them donuts, and give us all another post.

We know it's been a wild ride these past weeks, what with T. Smith showing he's got arm, that asskick salad you served Texas, and shit...barely a peep about Maurice on Sportscenter.

I beg you, Coach: pull back the curtain, and show Tresselnation the REAL DEAL, the true smelly, seamy underbelly of America's #1 College Football Juggernaut!

Because I'm fucking sick of the Steven Swain show over here. Jeeeesus.

12:42 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Yeah, well, I'm sick of jerks like you. I didn't do anything to you, o.g.

To all of Tressel's World Nation: how cool is this? I am going to get a custom tee shirt made. On the front it will say "Tressel's World Party Time Excellent."
On the back it will have along the nape. I am debating with myself as to whether to put my name or Tressel's name on the back. Then I'll have the number 69 like the back of a jersey.

I would probably only where this shirt to the Ohio State game we go to and I'll wear it back home when I go out to bars or parties, which wouldn't be too often, but it would happen.

2:18 PM  
Anonymous that girl said...

Swain, I think the Coach would kick your face in and then run you over with his hovercraft if you looked like you were in any way associated with tresselsworld.

And what the fuck are you talking about pussy payoff? The only way you would get any pussy is if you went to the Humane Society and adopted one.

Why don't you take a break from stalking the comments here and go find a shopping center to obsess about?

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: Alvin Mack

Not as much as your mother!

3:54 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner.
2006 Douchebag of the Year Award goes to Steven Swain.

4:31 PM  
Anonymous Alvin Mack said...

Swain, wow, that's a real zinger. Did you come up with that joke by yourself?

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

re: Swain

The douche is strong in this one.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

to Bill- and you will win the Nitwit of the Year Award

to alvin mack- yo' mama

to Greg- get a life, Greg- you are the pussy who needs douche

to all three of you assholes- Tressel will never invite you to one of the games. I'm sure he thinks you are all dicks. He will invite me, Pat, supreme allah (even though I don't like him), James Thunderthud, Alex Boone, and maybe that girl (I'll reply to her latest post tomorrow night) and Frank.

9:11 PM  
Anonymous Jim Tressle said...

Hey Treessler,

have you ever had your dick sucked by a man before? I think Steve Swain would blow you.

9:57 PM  
Anonymous Steven SWain said...

to Jim Tressle,

Fuck you, asshole.

3:59 AM  
Anonymous o.g. bucknut said...

But you did do something to me, swain.

You're nerding up my favorite blog. Stop it. This isn't your blog. Go find a chatroom. No one's interested in your comments or your comebacks.

Seriously. Fuck off.

11:24 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Pardon me, but what does "douchebag" mean? I'm not hip to all the new slang terms.

Thanks in advance.


2:41 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

to that girl,

The pussy payoff indicates the beautiful women that will be present at the 1st Annual Tressel's World Party. I will get some of them. Oh yes.

So what if I obsess over malls and the like. Doesn't mean I can't come here and post some messages. Doesn't make me any less cool.

Who are you? that girl who Tressel fucked last year?

7:42 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

douchebag- It is a device for women to clean their vaginas. They stick a thing in it to get out bacteria. Sometimes they use it to get rid of blood before the have sex with a guy.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Adebisi said...

Douchebag (via Urabn Dictionary)

An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intellegence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.

Sounds like a certain someone we all know.

11:56 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...


Sounds like you are describing supreme allah. That guy is a dickhead. I'd write more but I am in a rush. I need to pick up some beer for work today! Friday, baby!

Rock on, Tressel's World! Party time! Excellent!

4:11 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Alright my mighty bucknuts. I trust you, my decicated shut ins (and testicle faced fans(swain)), vote for the next post:
A. movie review
B. some sweet lyrics
C. a new recipe
D. rip swain a new shit hole for the mo's to enjoy for it's
new width and depth.

I'm pretty sure it will be D. Go to his site and give him some (T)OSU justice. He plays here, Let's play there.I'm not supposed to talk about football, but this shit is way too tight this year. That's dollars on top of dollars for Coach Jimmy this year, Cha Ching. Fuck, i should just eat tostitos on that blessed sideline while i'm cruisin' in my sweet hovercraft. I've been saving some sweet lyrics for you kids anyway. It's up to you, choose your own adventure (I'm so sweet I wrote all those cyoa books anyway, you know I choose mine.

Anyhoo, I could have spent these last 20 minutes shoving footballs up some lazy asses, so later turds.

Smell Ya Later,
The Coach with the Roach

7:47 AM  
Anonymous John Mark Karr said...


12:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coach, do you think Joe Paterno is a top or bottom?

1:26 PM  
Anonymous maurice said...

Yo, Kizzz-oach!!

Go wit B, an' lay some fine lyrics on us, dawg! It been fo'eva since you spat da rhymes. Yo man, when I gets outta jail, my rap career is on, bitchez. Check dis out:

Straight outta C-bus, crazy mothafucka named 'rice
Down but not out, 'cuz my problem's wit' police

I wuz blazed in my mercedes
So my recollection's hazy
of when da cops took me down
Like a movie by Scorsese

Tweakin' high and drunk
Wit' an AK in my trunk
If they'd a waited one mo' hour
I'd a shot another punk!

Yo Coach, when u bust me out, maybe I you can do a cameo on my first triple platnum. I'm gon' be on CRIBS, bitch!!!


3:08 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

The name's Swain.
The game's bringin' da pain.

I'll be doing it all nite long.

5:23 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Hello Coach Tressel,

Today at lunch I overheard a man talking about how he is a tee ball coach. I thought that would be a wonderful thing to do next season.

I do not know exactly when the next tee ball season begins, but I would imagine it would be in the spring.

Do you have any good coaching advice to give me? I realize you coach football and I will coach baseball, but it is still coaching. Maybe you could give me some pointers after the Tressel's World party. I know you haven't given the party the green light yet but I have faith you will come through for us. We are your faithful readers and I think I'm maybe #1 on that list.

Also, are you in good with Coach Frank Beamer? If so, maybe you could let him write some guest articles for this blog. I would love seeing Virginia Tech and Ohio State working together.

Thanks Coach.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Paterno: I don't know what that question means, but I'll take a guess. I would say bottom.

6:44 PM  
Anonymous B.A. Baracus said...


7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Definitely go with D, Coach. Take this shit a new asshole and hopefully he'll finally get the picture that we don't like him here.

What pain is this cocksucker bringing, exactly?

That reminds me is Swain hetero?

7:17 PM  
Anonymous Joey Brown Pants said...

Swain- You're feeble attempt at rap made me soil myself in laughter. Thanks. You ruined a perfectly good pair of pants as I have shit them.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

fuck you anonymous and joey brown pants.
I'm getting drunk now.

best vest- is that you Coach Tressel. If it is, I want you to not post at my blog. As I told you, my parents read that blog and I don't want them to see you guys writing nasty things.

I thought it was okay to do it here since this blog is based on bashing retards, having sex with whores, and making rap poems.

7:50 PM  
Anonymous Gary Hogan said...

Getting wasted on a Frid night here.

After a long day at work, and then a full round of golf and then giving my wife some dick, I came here to blow off some steam.

That tee-ball thing is scary, people. Swain has no kids or husband and he wants to coach kids. I don't think so, Dr. Douche. I don't know what his deal is besidees having ballsackfaceitis. I clearly think Swains is a master nerd.
I think there is a spot for him at Tressels World. Swain should be named fficial site mascot. put him in a fuvckin' collar and push his ass into a cage . we'll feed him every few hours.

9:05 PM  
Anonymous gary coleman said...

wactchu talkin' about swain? i don;t even think that your site is your. were you hired by osu to fuck with the good peeps on this site? post about the world or link to it on your site to prove it you pussy. waiting... fo it you wuss, i hope your parents don'y mind.

12:37 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

To Gary Coleman,

I have no idea what you wrote. Try using proper grammer and spell words correctly. When you can do that, I can answer any questions you may have.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Look at the first post here. It is belated but I posted a comment for it.

I am very happy with the win against Penn State. They suck.

I am tired and drunk a little. Three Zimas do pack a punch. I don't why more people dp not drink it

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: Gary Hogan

Wh o the fuck are you, bitch?

I think there is a place for you, too. The bathroom.

I'll stuff you in the toilet and shit on your fucking head!!!!

Swain is the name
Kicking ass is the game

9:50 PM  
Anonymous STeven Swain said...

Gary Hogan you are a asshole. How dare you say I don't have a husband. that just is n ot a good thing to say as it is wrong. Just because I don't have kids doesn't mean I can't coach them. Jim Tressel has no kids and he coaches a college football team. His sperm is sterile and he can't make kids. Are you going to hold his shitty sperm against him>

you see you are just a lousy person, Hogan. I am saddened to be surrounded by people jerky like you and supreme alam and that girl who is probably a slut.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous Steven SWain said...

to gary cOleman.

I will not link this page to my site. are you a stupid asshole? do you even read what I wrote here like 4 or 5 times. I don't want my parents seeing me associated with this trashy ass website with the foul messages. I probably should have not posted me website address here in the your web page notifiction entry because otherwise I could have just wrote Steven and nobody would have known about steven Swain and my site. You would have only thought I was a guy named Steven, but you wouldn;t have any other knowlegde of me or would even know about my site. but I that is done and out of the bag now and I have to live tiwht it for this time for here on out and there is nothihng for me to do sbout it, so fuck off asshole.y is it so hard for you to understand moron.

10:00 PM  
Anonymous the pope of hope said...

that wasn't even the real swain. the real swain is cool and wouldn't write crazy shit like that, the real swain licks dog balls

11:44 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Swain, what the fuck are you rambling about? First off, if you don't want to be associated with a "trashy website", then maybe you shouldn't post here 5 times a day. Second, if you actually knew Coach, you would know he is a married man and the father of FOUR children. So much for him shooting blanks. And third, yeah 3 zimas really pack a punch. If you have a vagina, that is.

12:48 AM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Oh yeah, i vote for B. I don't think you should give Swain the glory of a post about himself. All this attention seems to be going to his head anyway.

12:52 AM  
Anonymous bob said...

Boone is too true on that. Give us some sweet rhymes coach. Swain doesn't even deserve a post ripping his sack face a new one. Keep it real Jimmy, break it down for us. I hope swain gets some nasty and hopefully deadly ass cancer. Fuck you swain. I'm sure that you will have some worthless retort to this that will only make you seem like more of a douche bag than you are. Suck on a gun soon swain you booring sad assface. Your website has all the awesomeness of a dead dog on the side of the road. Fuck you and quit fucking with the coach's sweetassed website. He's probably not posted recently because he has to deal with you. Don't kill this site you boored unsexed nerd.

1:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swain is a doo doo head

9:51 PM  
Anonymous Kenneth said...

Swain is a douche bag. King of douche bags in Virginia I would say. Anyone want to go on a road trip to Rocky Mount or Rocky Gorge. I know his blog says he is from a Rocky place.

I bet Swain carries a pocketbook.

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Steven SWain said...

Bob- You are talking about me being a douchebag? I think you should look into a mirror.
My blog is
awesome. You just are too stupid to understand it.
I will not suck on a gun but I would suck on your girlfriend's boobs.
Fuck you, dickhead.

I may stop posting here because you people are all a bunch of cocksuckers.

Coach- I'm sorry that I wrote your sperm was bad. I didn't realize you had kids.

3:56 AM  
Anonymous o.g. bucknut said...

Does anyone else think Swain may have gone off his meds?

Stop posting and seek help, you tool.

Give us some lyrics, Coach! Don't give Swain the satisfaction.

11:38 AM  
Anonymous Bill Sullivan said...

Hello pathetic loser Steven Swain,

You know, I sense a lot of hostility in your posts. I don't think it is us you are angry with. I think the fact that you are a loser who is unable to get laid has caused you to resort to attempting to meet women over the internet, and you are as much of a failure in cyberland as you are in real life. Is it possible you have been repressing homosexual tendencies for all these years? I think you need to take a long look at the "inner Steven" and explore your sexuality. Let's be honest for a second, do you really think you can "fuck us up"? The answer Steven, is no, you can't. Do you really wanna fuck us up? No, you don't. You have misdirected your anger. I am guessing that your parents had high expectations of you as a child and forced you to conform to what society considers to be normal behavior, thus pursuing women to prove to your parents that although you really are a pansy, you are masculine. This is the wrong approach, Steven. I want you to try a little exercise. Look in the mirror every morning and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggonit, people like me." Trust me, this works. When you have strengthened your self confidence, please post again so we may begin phase two of the coming out process.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous a concerned parent said...

I do not believe this is really Jim Tressel. This is probably a blog written by a Buckeye groupie.

It is sad that an OSU fan would belittle his team's head coach in this manner.

I also think you people are too harsh on Steven Swain. He seems like a nice boy.

Leave Steven along, stop impersonating Tressel, and go do some productive. All of you and that include you, Steven. You do not need to associate yourself with these clowns.

8:32 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Sounds like Kenneth wants to make sure Swain doesn't post again!

9:26 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Pat=a concerned parent

Give it up, Pat.

Swain is the King Doucebag.
You are the Prince.

The two of you should get a room.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

This blog will go downhill if I stop posting. I am the star attraction here. I give this blog life. You'll be sorry when I stop posting.

3:57 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

This blog will go downhill if I stop posting. I am the star attraction here. I give this blog life. You'll be sorry when I stop posting.

3:57 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

I have to take a shit this morning. I'll dedicate it to the assholes of this site like supreme allah, that girl, Bill Sullivan, Greg, Kenneth, o.g. bucknut, Alex Boone, and Bob. All cocksuckers. I also saw James Thunderthud posted at my blog. Screw you, too, asshole.

4:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


10:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my comments got deleted over at swain's website. apparently he can use vulgar language on this website, but we can't do the same at his. what a hypocrite.


1:20 PM  
Anonymous J Dog said...

I'll tell you the truth. Until Coach starts posting more, I gotta agree with Swain's proclamation that he's the star attraction.

6:12 PM  
Anonymous James Thunderthud said...

Swain's parents know about this site!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8:13 PM  
Anonymous Mrs. Swain said...

Steven, you have been a very naughty boy. No shopping malls for 1 month.

8:23 PM  
Anonymous Mike Green said...

re: a concerned parent

I have been reading this blog since Deadspin wrote about it.

This is my first time writing a comment.

The posts are great and the comments are amazing, too. Just funny shit. Even the whole Swain thing is great.

I do not think this is actually Jim Tressel himself. It could be a neighbor or cousin of Jim's. Probably it's just an Ohio State student. In that case, I would have thought OSU would have shut down this site months ago. Maybe they have no legal way to do so.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous Coach John Madden said...

re: Mike Green

Shut up, dipshit. Boom!

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Mike, I can tell you with 100 percent certainty that this is Coach Jim Tressel's blog. It is not a fake.

11:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to Boone-

No way!

4:10 AM  
Anonymous steven swain said...

I'm sorry. I've been a complete dick. I'm going to go in a corner and smoke my own hog. Thank you for your understanding.

6:17 PM  
Anonymous steven swain said...

Did I mention I was going to go smoke my own hog? Down my own throat. Yup, all the way down. I'm gay.

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Thank you for admitting your suckiness, Swain.

I will applaud you for that.

I forgive you for being a douchebag. I guess we all act douchy every now and then.

If you stop posting here, good luck with your life and all.

8:42 PM  
Anonymous lecharles,bitches! said...

I know, Coach, you're too wrapped up in game-panning to answer more questions so I ask the community rhetorically...

Looks like the ass-kick salad didn't sit very well with Paterno's stomach, did it?

9:33 PM  
Anonymous lecharles,bitches! said...

game-planning, sorry. OSU!!! OSU!!!

9:35 PM  
Anonymous Big Time Boner Boy said...

Coach Tressel, This is a fine site. Don't listen to the haters.

Peace out, nigga.

2:23 PM  
Anonymous Paris Hilton said...

Hey Coach,

I have been admiring you for a few years now. You are hot.

When I start fucking again next year I would like it if you would have me.

3:10 PM  
Blogger Steven Swain said...

Somebody has played a nasty, nasty trick on both me and you guys.

Listen, I’m the real Steven Swain (the best way to tell is that my picture shows up in the comments section and if you click on the link, a Blogger profile shows up instead of just the website), and I never heard of this site or Coach Tressel until I started getting some messed up emails on my site.

I don’t know you guys, and I don’t follow Buckeye football. Someone apparently put my name and web address on the comment form and pissed everybody off with a bunch of really stupid comments.

I know why they did it. Because I seemed like an easy mark. I'm not mnacho and I frequently post stories about clothes and design. So automatically I gotta be some kind of closet homo and douchebag. I'm no homo, and I'm only a douchebag occasionally ;-)

Rest assured, the real Swain wouldn’t do shit like what happend here. What would be the point? I do my own thing, why would I fault y'all for doing yours? I’m sure nobody believes me, but it’s the truth.

I got too much at stake to fuck with you guys like that. My name and research is all over the internet and I’m pretty much known as “the mall guy” because I like malls and retail. Even if I was stupid enough to do something like what’s been done here, I would be smart enough to at least use a fake name, like somebody did to me apparently.

I’m not going to take up any more space than I have to here, but I do apologize for whoever the hell did this to me and to you. It’s made me pretty angry, and you guys are probably angrier than I am.

Best Vest, please delete the previous comments. I’m not sure who did them, but I will tell you, it’s not the real Swain. I am.

4:15 PM  
Anonymous Dennis said...

C'mon Swain,

Just admit you were clowning around. It's okay. I thought it was funny stuff.

8:22 PM  
Anonymous The Flying Dutchman Craig Wolf said...

re: lecharles, bitches!

Jim Tressel'll match the legacy of John Paterno. Paterno will finish his career with hundreds more wins than Tressel. If Paterno was an elephant, he'd be the whole elephant. Tressel would just be the left ear. This explains the difference in their records.

So keep wearing bikini bottoms and driving hovercrafts, you son of a bitch. But it will be Paterno in the Hall of Fame. Tressel will be in the Hall of Ass.

9:27 PM  
Anonymous cRAIG said...


9:29 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Rats! I think we've lost Steven. I don't think he'll post here again. I guess this means no party after the Michigan game. It probably also means more pictures of Tressel half naked.

I don't let my son view the computer without my supervision anymore based on those pictures and all the cuss words in the posts and comments section of this site. I caught him on Tuesday night reading this blog.

9:55 PM  
Anonymous alex boone said...

you are a shitty parent, pat. how the fuck would your son know to go to this blog? for an encore you can put a lighter and a pack of smokes under his pillow. and craig wolf, you dumb fuck, joe paterno has all those wins because he used to have a cupcake schedule, and also because he was the first coach to use the foward pass. but as for him being better than tressel, that is laughable. you know as much about sports
as you do about not being a retard.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Will the real Slim Swainy please stand up, please stand up?

3:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: Ron

Maybe Tressel should worry about winning games and stop douching it up on hovercrafts.

5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Craig Wolf is the latest douchebag at Tressel's World. He is a Penn State fan and doesn't even know the name of his head coach. What an asshole.

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Craig Wolf said...


I was drunk. Give me a break.

5:34 AM  
Anonymous S Dedos said...

Eat shit and die.

Pat, you kid is a fag, he was just attracted to the half naked Tressel pics.

You fat fuck, stop getting all those penalties

5:30 PM  

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