Cockblocked By My Blog or How I Almost Nailed Ann Coulter

Damn it, hey Buckaroos. It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I keep it real here, I'm not pulling any punches with you kids. Except for when Mrs. T found out about the "world", everything was great. Cockblocked by my blog? Yeah it happened.

So last Friday Kenny Blackwell called me up last minute to go to some boring republican fundraiser at the Ritz downtown. I was going to tell him to go blow himself but then he mentioned something about an open bar and hookers and a bag of blow he snagged off of his PR guy. He said he'd drive - I said ok, whatever blah, blah blah....

We get there, I shake the sweaty palms of a bunch of half dead stiffs in suits who can't wait to tell me how great I am. You know, the usual garbage that I have to endure at these damn things. So after about six jack mannhattens this blond broad who kind of looks like a bird walks up to Kenny and the Coach (that's our handle when we karoke) smoozing it up with the regular assault of compliments and bullshit. She called me her hero or some crap so I asked Kenny who the skank was and he was like - Ann Coulter you jackass. Then I gave him a purple nurple and didn't let go until he named five breakfast cereals. Apparently she's some crazyass republican chick who loves the jesus a bit too much and doesn't know how to keep her piehole shut. I only watch sports and cartoons so I was frigin' clueless.



Kenny lined up four shots of 151 and then dared me to try and nail the broad. I figured it would be a challenge and took the bait. Those crazy religious chicks are always way slutty whores anyhow. So I strolled over to her, said some stuff about jesus and told her about Camp Tressel. We had some drinks, she flapped her gums about some war in the middle east that is apparently going on or something and then she dangled her room key in my face and grabbed little Jimmy and made me name five breakfast cereals before she let go.

Bing bang boom, back to the room. She said something about making herself more comfortable and left the room and came back in an outfit identical to the one I wore in New York. It was on. I was trying to get the thing off while she was licking my ear and talking dirty. I got my hand down her pants and was ready to use a technique I invented called the Columbus landslide when she whispered into to my ear "I'm going to rock your world". I replied "Rock Tressel's World baby, rock that world".

That's when things went south. Then she said "That's that awful fake website someone writes about you." I was like oh my people write coachtressel.com for me I know its kind of lame I think they do my myspace page too, they make me look like an asshole. She said, "No Tressel's World on blogger, it's an abomination." I don't even know what abomination means but she was starting to piss the old Coach off. I told her Tressel's World is my world baby you're going to have to leave.

She made a big stink about the room being hers so I called hotel security and had her ass removed, we're in Columbus. I think it might be legal for me to kill people here. Anyway the situation sorta licked nuts, but I got Kenny on the horn and he had some ladies with him, I had a free room and we made the best of it.