Monday, August 14, 2006

Cockblocked By My Blog or How I Almost Nailed Ann Coulter

Damn it, hey Buckaroos. It's me Tressel, Coach Jim Tressel. I keep it real here, I'm not pulling any punches with you kids. Except for when Mrs. T found out about the "world", everything was great. Cockblocked by my blog? Yeah it happened.

So last Friday Kenny Blackwell called me up last minute to go to some boring republican fundraiser at the Ritz downtown. I was going to tell him to go blow himself but then he mentioned something about an open bar and hookers and a bag of blow he snagged off of his PR guy. He said he'd drive - I said ok, whatever blah, blah blah....

We get there, I shake the sweaty palms of a bunch of half dead stiffs in suits who can't wait to tell me how great I am. You know, the usual garbage that I have to endure at these damn things. So after about six jack mannhattens this blond broad who kind of looks like a bird walks up to Kenny and the Coach (that's our handle when we karoke) smoozing it up with the regular assault of compliments and bullshit. She called me her hero or some crap so I asked Kenny who the skank was and he was like - Ann Coulter you jackass. Then I gave him a purple nurple and didn't let go until he named five breakfast cereals. Apparently she's some crazyass republican chick who loves the jesus a bit too much and doesn't know how to keep her piehole shut. I only watch sports and cartoons so I was frigin' clueless.



Kenny lined up four shots of 151 and then dared me to try and nail the broad. I figured it would be a challenge and took the bait. Those crazy religious chicks are always way slutty whores anyhow. So I strolled over to her, said some stuff about jesus and told her about Camp Tressel. We had some drinks, she flapped her gums about some war in the middle east that is apparently going on or something and then she dangled her room key in my face and grabbed little Jimmy and made me name five breakfast cereals before she let go.

Bing bang boom, back to the room. She said something about making herself more comfortable and left the room and came back in an outfit identical to the one I wore in New York. It was on. I was trying to get the thing off while she was licking my ear and talking dirty. I got my hand down her pants and was ready to use a technique I invented called the Columbus landslide when she whispered into to my ear "I'm going to rock your world". I replied "Rock Tressel's World baby, rock that world".

That's when things went south. Then she said "That's that awful fake website someone writes about you." I was like oh my people write coachtressel.com for me I know its kind of lame I think they do my myspace page too, they make me look like an asshole. She said, "No Tressel's World on blogger, it's an abomination." I don't even know what abomination means but she was starting to piss the old Coach off. I told her Tressel's World is my world baby you're going to have to leave.

She made a big stink about the room being hers so I called hotel security and had her ass removed, we're in Columbus. I think it might be legal for me to kill people here. Anyway the situation sorta licked nuts, but I got Kenny on the horn and he had some ladies with him, I had a free room and we made the best of it.

59 Comments:

Anonymous Bill said...

Hey Pat,

Take that! Tressel is still posting.

6:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WAY TO GO COACH!!! I KNEW YOU HAD IT IN YOU. AND TELL THAT SKANK COULTER NOT TO COME BACK HERE TILL SHE IS WILLING TO ADMIT THAT SHE DOES IN FACT HAVE CRABS!

9:19 PM  
Anonymous cottoncandy said...

Coach, you're on a roll baby. Anyway, how big was her dick?

7:37 AM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Ann Coulter is a hermaphrodite? If that is true call me disgusted. I will have to cease masturbating to pictures of her.

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pat,
instead of trying to "shut down" any sites on the web that you or your son might find offensive, maybe you should try being a responsible parent and monitor his internet viewing. the coach's world is tame in comparison to what he could run across. right before you go about having this site "shut down" you might have to change the u.s. constitution and overturn a few court cases while your at it. so try to relax. go fuck your fat wife, no one else will. Tressel's World is a lot bigger than your's you fucking moron. people like you should not be allowed to procreate, all you do is even out the bell curve.

p.s. steven swain is lame and annoying. his face reminds me of a ballsack. i hope he get ass cancer.

2:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ann Coulter has an adam's apple. I think she has a clenis. Sorry you couldn't put it in her weird tranny hole coach.

2:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coach, I understand its hard to type with all of those cocks in your hands, but we need updates more often. Good to have your cocksucking ass back!

2:30 PM  
Anonymous anonymous said...

Hey Pat,

Your son emailed me this link of Vida Guerra pics.

[url]http://www.break.com/pictures_nsfw/vidaplay01.html[url/]

I hope I did that right.

Hey Coach,
You gonna tap that ass someday?

If you do, please post about the experience. I bet she's really nasty in bed.

2:36 PM  
Anonymous anonymous said...

Yeah, I fucked that up.

http://www.break.com/pictures_nsfw/vidaplay01.html

2:37 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

To the anonymous guys,

To the one who said I'm lame and annoying: Get a life. Also put your name to your post, you pussy.

To the other one: Great pictures! I know what I'm doing tonight! I'm sure Tressel will play around with those photos, too!!!!

4:55 PM  
Anonymous stephen swain said...

Hi guys,
My name is Stephen Swain, my face looks like a big sweaty ballsack - probably beacuse I lick so many of them. I have a lame website about stores, it doesn't show my wild crazy side because my parents read it. Hey gotta run there's a bunch of guys lined up in front of my door waiting for their ballsacks to be licked.

Take it sleazy!,
Steve Swain

5:51 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

re: Stephen Swain

That is the funniest shit I read all day today!

7:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

coach is back...so jimbo, any updates on the hovercraft, any new replacement cats, what's the latest on your meth lab, and i've checked with five-0, you are most certainly allowed to kill folk in the CBus city limits

9:04 PM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo man, whatz all dis politicz bullshit??? E'ybody know Ann Coulta got 2 cunts...one in her pussy and anotha for a mouth!!

Fuck dat shit, Coach! Tell 'em bout the time one tit mary lef' all dem clothes in that car you bought me.

And yo 'nonymous! Can u checks to see if I can kill n*ggaz in da Bus?!

'cus I will. Mo out.

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This once hilarious site has gone downhill. Not due to the posts, but rather, the ridiculous comments left by certified douchebags. Tressel's posts are great, but the 64 IQ's that populate the comments make a great case for 120th trimester abortions. Such a shame. Proceed calling me a fag. I know, I know. You're all Awesome.

10:59 PM  
Anonymous Awesome said...

Hey, dont say im like everyone else you fag.

12:05 AM  
Anonymous joe dirt said...

His face does look stangely like a nutsack...

5:07 AM  
Anonymous Stephen Swain said...

At least I'm getting pussy.

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Re: getting pussy.

Well, clearly that is not the real Steven Swain.
A) the first name is spelled wrong

B) Steven Swain ain't getting any pussy. I mean, have you guys seen his blog? That guy AIN'T gettin' pussy!

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Yeah that was not me writing about getting pussy.

That was just a fool writing that. Probably just some coward who saw me post at 8:12 in the other previous post comment.

If you are going to pretend to be me, at least spell my name right, you stupid fuck.

Then again, perhaps I shouldn't talk. After all, I typed my own name wrong while drunk last week!

I won the "Stupid Asshole Award" last week for that! LOL!

12:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: anyonymous at 10:59pm:

Maybe you should write somments too and prove how much smarter you are than us.

You sir are the certified douchebag and I think you should stuff a cucumber up your wazoo.

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I swear to you I shit my fuckin pants when I read the underwaer post.

8:55 PM  
Anonymous siriustrb2007@yahoo.com said...

Hey Tressel,

You got any naked photos of Coulter or One Tit Mary?

Could you please email them to me? I would truly appreciate it.

siriustrb2007@yahoo.com

Thanks a lot, if you do send them.

I have been trolling here for weeks, but once I read you fucked Coulter I decided to write. I so wish I was you. She's such a fuckin' bitch and that's why I want to fuck her.

Thanks, bro. This blog is the shiznit.

9:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to siriustrb2007-
Would you like me to email you a photo of me fucking your girlfriend, you stupid ass?

Get the fuck out of here and stop advertising your gay porn email address.

Friggin assholes on this site of late!

10:38 PM  
Anonymous Supreme Allah said...

I hope Pat’s seed doesn’t stumble on to all that kiddy porn his dad was too fucking stupid to erase from the hard drive. These holier than thou fucks are all the same; depraved fucking perverts to the last man. Seriously Pat, eat shit and die. I’m not kidding. I hope all the bad things in the world happen to you and only you.

2:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, coach. Did you know Mo C's pops works for Uncle Tom Blackwell? Watch that trick. Watch him.

7:38 AM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo bizatch... I'll pop yo' ass if you don't stop talkin' bout my pops!!! I'm aboutst to become untouchable, holmes!

Yeah, when Pops be workin' fo Govenor B, it's gon' be nothin but glocks, spinnin' rims an' Cristal for ol' Mo.

Oh, and bitches, too. Lotsa lotsa bitches.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

re: Maurice

You need to get a hold of your life, young man.


re: Supreem Allah

You cannot judge me. When you get your life in order, then you can talk to me, scumbag.

9:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pat,

Why is it that sometimes right after a shower I have to take a dump?

I just got clean and then this? It doesn't seem right.

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

yo Pat!

I'd ratha get hold ya throat, bitch!!!!

Proteck ya neck, Pat. I'll skid out this mofo. They ain't built no jail can hold me!

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pat is like that cockroach that jumped in ya morning coffee and you just can't get it out of there

11:46 AM  
Anonymous ann coulter said...

i still heart you coach jimmy

4:03 PM  
Blogger Boston Strangler said...

hey coach, you need to hook maurice with some good blow and hookers whenever he gets released!

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

re: the fifth message here


One cannot fuck what one does not have. I betcha Pat is a virgin who adopted his son.

6:29 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!

7:27 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

re: Bill

That Clarkson thing cracked me the fuck up.

Now that is a great comment!

You are no longer on my shit list.

Great job, Bill.

8:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Clarett,

Did you suck that Israeli mob fag's dick?

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Phil said...

Steven Swain,

I'm sure Bill is very excited now that a nerd who looks like a ballsack likes him.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo, 'nonymous, I cain't understand da question, bitch.

Maybe its 'cuz y'got dees nutz in yo mouth.

I aint suck'd no israelli dick. Just wait -- I'm goin' Islam in dis muthafukin jail. I'm like Tyson, Bitchezzz. I'll eat y' children!!!!!

Peace,
Mo

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Go blow Bubba, Mo.

You are a fuckin' piece of shit. Don't try to act like you weren't an Israeli fag's bitch.

3:24 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

I don't care what Mo Clarett says, I don't care what Pat or his fuckin' son says, I don't care what Lloyd Carr's dumb ass says, I don't care what fuckin' Kelly Clarkson says.

All I know is this fuckin' blog is the truth, bitch.

Da Double S

8:39 PM  
Anonymous Frank said...

Kelly Clarkson, Ann Coulter, and me. Now that would be a great threesome!

8:58 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

The people commenting here are absolute disgraces.

You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Jason said...

Hey Pat-

Why don't you go fuck yourself?

9:55 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw this blog advertised by some guy on the Yahoo fantasy football board. I have been looking for crazy shit like this! Bravo!

There are a lot of cocksuckers here.

1:10 PM  
Anonymous Da Double S said...

anonymous

You are the cocksucker, bitch.

2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tressel,

Good job, man. I don't blame you for tapping dat Coulter ass.

6:51 PM  
Anonymous Da Double S said...

Yeah, she is hot, ain't she? She gets a lot of flak for being a liberal bitch, but that is a [b]nice[/b] piece of ass. I would love to hide my sausage in it.

9:44 PM  
Anonymous Da Double S said...

Yo Treessel,

Shannon Doherty be on the Craig Ferguson Show righte now. That 's an ass you need to be hitting.

Schwing!!!!!!!

10:12 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Jason- You need to grow up.

Da Double S- I'm going to tell your parents.

6:44 AM  
Anonymous that girl said...

I've spent a considerable amount of time trying to decide who was the bigger douchebag, Swain the Giant Nutsack or Pat the Right Wing Retard. They're both incredibly pathetic in their own special way.

Pat - do you really think this is the worst your kid has seen? I know locking him in the closet with the bible seemed like a good idea at one point, but don't think he isn't hoarding a stash of your wife's Cosmo magazines and thinking about titty fucking the girls in it.

Swain - I would drink during my lunch if I were you too. You are without a doubt one giant gaping vagina.

11:23 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

RE: that girl

I love it when you talk dirty, baby.
Say all you want, but if you met me you would fall for me. I am quite the charmer. I bet you got moist panties after looking at my blog. Admit it, darling.

11:55 AM  
Anonymous Pat said...

that girl,

I respect your opinion.

However, I must take umbrage in your comments directed at me.

I can assure you I am not a retard. I have a degree from The Ohio State University.

That use of the retard word is very bad. It sends a bad message to our children. It tells them that we can make fun of the mentally challenged. Those people deserve to be treated with respect. I wouldn't make fun of you if you gave birth to a retard.

I think you need to take a chill pill and leave me and my son alone.

I will admit, however, that I have talked to my wife and we've agreed to lock up all her women magazines in our closet. The thought of my son masturbating in 2 years , as I believe Swain wrote, does indeed alarm me. The last thing I want is to see my son playing with himself with my wife's magazines.

So yeah Pat made a Tressel's World sort of comment in the sentence above. I'm sure all your twisted people will get a kick out of that.

Am I in the club now? I hope so.

And about Steven Swain- I agree with you there. He is nothing but an asshole and should not be allowed to vote, among many other things.

Also, his blog about malls is truly boring and highly depressing.

1:04 PM  
Anonymous pAT said...

so FUCK YOU STEVE SWAIN

1:06 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

After reading swain's blog, i was so depressed that i started drinking again. that blog sucks worse than michigan.

1:19 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Ha ha ha!

If Pat calls you an asshole, you know you must be a loser!

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Greg said...

My last post was directed towards Steve "Da Double S" Swain.

I'm sorry for any confusion.

Get a life, SWain.

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Greg, Alex BOone, and Pat,

Fuck you all.
Pat- Where's your blog? Care to share it with us? It's probably boring right wing nerd shit.

Alex Boone- Just go fuck yourself. Seriously.

Greg- Who the hell are you to come out of the woodwork? Are you Alex's roommate or Pat's son?

9:34 PM  
Anonymous Loonmaniac said...

That's a man, baby. You could have had a "Crying Game" incident with Coulter.

11:01 AM  

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