Bowl Games
Hey there tresselnation. It's me Tressel, Coach Jimmy Tressel. The coach has been busy lately, real busy - bringing home big wins to all my faithful supporters. I have barely had time to smack the old flesh gavel on Mrs. T's forehead for a relaxing game of "order in the court". This season's been tough on me - and those deadbeat, picklewipes in the front office at the Big Ten won't let me cruise my awesome, new hovercraft on the sidelines, what the fuck do I have to do for these people - die on a cross? It's just a hovercraft, people.
So yeah, swain's been exposed as a fake. The real Swain stepped up and called out his imposter. The real Swain really writes about malls and probably doesn't even know my name (check the end of the last post's comments). The real Swain might be half a mo in real life, but the fake swain is ten times the mo he is - hiding behind him. How could anyone have the balls to impersonate someone else just to entertain themselves? Why would they do that? It's sad and totally blows my mind, really.
Did you you guys check out the prank I played on Grandpa Joe P. last week? We had coffee the morning before the game like always. This time I had to get him back. Last year he had me listed in my community as a sexual predator, true enough but it cost me a ton in legal fees. Christ that guy is old, Paterno has cancerous growths in his colon older than me. I pulled the ol' point and say "Isn't that David Hasselhoff?" He looked and I dumped some VisineĀ® in his java. I knew he wouldn't make it to the end of the game without running to the can. I would be worried about some retribution but that old bastard will be worm food by this time next year.
Grandpa P. always travels with an old fart, safety toilet wherever he goes. Too bad that's the only "bowl game" he'll see this year. Well kids, I've got some "undercovers" work to do before saturday. I'm working on some sweet rhymes, be patient. You keep it real and I'll keep it realer.
Just beacause your rhyme was tight Maurice I will post it here. I know you've got the time so please bring the rhyme, son. It was brilliant.
Straight outta C-bus, crazy mothafucka named 'rice
Down but not out, 'cuz my problem's wit' police
I wuz blazed in my mercedes
So my recollection's hazy
of when da cops took me down
Like a movie by Scorsese
Tweakin' high and drunk
Wit' an AK in my trunk
If they'd a waited one mo' hour
I'd a shot another punk!
So yeah, swain's been exposed as a fake. The real Swain stepped up and called out his imposter. The real Swain really writes about malls and probably doesn't even know my name (check the end of the last post's comments). The real Swain might be half a mo in real life, but the fake swain is ten times the mo he is - hiding behind him. How could anyone have the balls to impersonate someone else just to entertain themselves? Why would they do that? It's sad and totally blows my mind, really.
Did you you guys check out the prank I played on Grandpa Joe P. last week? We had coffee the morning before the game like always. This time I had to get him back. Last year he had me listed in my community as a sexual predator, true enough but it cost me a ton in legal fees. Christ that guy is old, Paterno has cancerous growths in his colon older than me. I pulled the ol' point and say "Isn't that David Hasselhoff?" He looked and I dumped some VisineĀ® in his java. I knew he wouldn't make it to the end of the game without running to the can. I would be worried about some retribution but that old bastard will be worm food by this time next year.
Grandpa P. always travels with an old fart, safety toilet wherever he goes. Too bad that's the only "bowl game" he'll see this year. Well kids, I've got some "undercovers" work to do before saturday. I'm working on some sweet rhymes, be patient. You keep it real and I'll keep it realer.
Just beacause your rhyme was tight Maurice I will post it here. I know you've got the time so please bring the rhyme, son. It was brilliant.
Straight outta C-bus, crazy mothafucka named 'rice
Down but not out, 'cuz my problem's wit' police
I wuz blazed in my mercedes
So my recollection's hazy
of when da cops took me down
Like a movie by Scorsese
Tweakin' high and drunk
Wit' an AK in my trunk
If they'd a waited one mo' hour
I'd a shot another punk!
58 Comments:
YO COACH!
Thanx for givin' mad props to ya boy!! An' if any y'all out dere is A&R's fo' Intascope o' whateva, y'all can reach me care o' Jimbo Tressel or the Franklin County Sherriffs dept. Check it:
The name is Maurice
I'm slicker than grease
evry time I turn around
There's tha Police
They took my AK,
they took my glock, too
Now I'm comin' atcha
from cell block two
Went from the combine
To a life of crime,
Now I write rhymes
While I serve time
When Tress bust me out,
an' my ship comes in
we gonn bang some hoes
an' snatch some trim
When I roll, homies know
That I spreadz the fear,
wit' my nine, and my vest,
an' my rap career
I'll get money like Gates,
An' bitches like Prince,
Long as da cops
fo'get to dust fo' prints.
--Mo out, bitches!
The end of the second paragraph is ironic gold.
maurice, you need to put any demo tracks that you have on limewire. i don't know if the pen will let you do it, but maybe one of your boys could. these lyrics are tight, i don't think football was your calling in life.
That video inspired me to dance tonight. I even practiced the slow motion part. But I got yanked off the stage by a cop. Apparently, the stage was just for broads, but i think Ohio just wasn't ready for my newly practiced, sweet international freeze rock. Thank you Coach T. I'm keepin' it real in Berea, if that's possible. Kick ass Saturday.
Da da do daa daa daa wada wada wada pa pa pa pa. I think that in indian that means stop getting the kids high?
donnie-
I like what you wrote and I agree with it as Paterno is the greatest without a doubt. Tressel is like a flea and Paterno is like the dog that the flea is sucking on.
Donnie- I agree with what you wrote. Paterno is the greatest of all time without a doubt.
Tressel is like a flea and Paterno is like the dog that the flea is sucking on.
i think craig wolf is the fake swain.
Thufferin thuckatath fellath uth old coacheth have a difficult time thitting down on a toilet ath it ith. It ithn't nithe to methth with the elderly. Notre Dame thould be number one even if they lothe three gameth.
I sold pot to Ki-Jana Carter in my dorm room. That alone makes me ineligible for the douchebag label.
I farted when I saw the picture of Paterno. No shit.
Dear anonymous,
That is rad because I peed a little when I saw it. It was due to the laughter.
What does tressel do to unwind on Sundays?
I think he plays around with One-Tit Mary while his wife goes to the mall and then goes food shopping. Lucky bastard.
Paterbo to the toilet: I'mashit on you.
Parento couldn't shit on a real Ohio State toilet if his life depended on it. I bet he will start wearing Depends next week.
The fake Swain totally bitchslapped Tressel's World.
As a Michigan fan, I applaud that man.
re: solomon
As an o.g. bucknut, I'll applaud Ted Ginn when, after scoring a the winning touchdown, he proceeds to drop his drawers and take a shit in your end zone.
That's what Lee Corso said.
See you in November, & don't mind that strange smell on your team's bus.
I'll say this. Tressel is sexier than Paterno.
This blog is fabulously homo erotic.
any time I had to shit lately I thought of Joe Paterno doing the same thing but only he did it during a game.
Craig, your weed was terrible. Smoking downtown brown is for buster-ass marks like you and Ka-Jana Carter.Come talk to me when you've smoked that aeroponic funk. Oh and Solomon, 4-1 bitch. Have fun picking up your 6th L in your last 7 tries.
That was too easy today coach, watching you pound BG was like having to go to church, i had to go there... i saw it. You should at least fuck around with it a bit. Like when you make a dog think you threw the ball and it's still in your hand. Should have fucked with them more, That's all I'm saying. But I guess you wear the vest and i drive my pickle truck around all day.
nice shades today hoMO.
Did Ohio State win against Blowing Green, coach? I was unable to check the paper.
Thanks
Charlie
Dear Mr. Cocktits,
Very funny. Ha ha, jerk.
Yes, OSU won.
Coach, it is funny this post. I have to move my bowels after reading it just as was the case with several other posters!
Coach I rally appreciated you not coverng the spread. You tried an I think it was just to fuck with me wasn't it. You're so funny!! I will be in town Tuesday do you still go to Platinum for "Titty Tuesday"? I will buy you a hand job with my winnings.
I will give him a hand job.
The shit is a a powerful being. Remember that.
Not that there's anything motherfuckin' wrong with that.
Giving another guy a hand job is only gay if you don't get paid well for it.
Alex Boone:
Not to be a dick sucker (like Michigan Fans) by why do you get a holding penalty every game?
MoC, what do you think of Beanie Wells, does he have enough street cred. to make it in the Big Ten?
How well can he handle a gun? Maybe he should make a sex tape.
Drop some ryhmes on this bucked up congregation soon or i'll start slagin' drugs and smacking my girl around again. Yo, T - you center me. You bring peace to this thugged out exist of mines. Spray it loud, J. Tress.
I like nipples they come in all shapes and sizes. I have a great collection of almost twenty two and one half at home. I collected them all myself. Did I mention that they are hampster nippies? I love nippies. Especially girl ones. Sometimes when i wake up I'm thinking about hampster nippies but usually the one i think about most belong to Kate Beckensale and she's a vampire/french maid and shampooing my hair and thinking about killing me the whole time. I love nippies!
Frank,
Shit happens. Kind of like how you went hitless in the 2000 ALDS. Can't be perfect all the time. But I don't think it has become too big a deal. This team is doing just fine.
Yo Frank!
If ya acks me, too much runnin, not enough gunnin. If ya acks me.
peace.
--Mo
re: anonymous
Get lost, freak.
Will someone explain this "Swain" character for the uninitiated?
thanks
re: anonymous
Steven Swain is a dude who used to post here. Then when people went to his blog and wrote bad things to him he said it wasn't really him. Or something.
Bring back Swain!!!!!
Viva la Swain!!!!!!!!
We want Swain, we want Swain, we want Swain!
re: frank
"Steven Swain is a dude who used to post here. Then when people went to his blog and wrote bad things to him he said it wasn't really him. Or something."
You should write history lessons, that was well said. Please let me give your style a try:
"Well, like some towel head dude crashed some planes into some buildings and like now, we have to fight some country that has nothing to do with it. Or something."
Remember, its not rape if you love her
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This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Welcome to Blow Job America.
re: the four previous comments
The fuck you talkin' about?
I want to blow a couch.
Jim Tressel,
Peace man. Are you going to watch the Penn State vs Michigan game tonight on the telly?
I know I sure as fuck am going to do it.
Now that Penn State has lost to Michigan and Ohio State I hereby declare that Michigan is the better of the two teams. I fully expect them to beat Ohio State.
Oh, and I am the shiznit for selling pot to Carter. So fuck you, Boone.
did ohio state play on Saturday? I didn't see a score anywhere.
Sorry, I was playing racquetball all day Saturday and didn't check the scores.
So they played Michigan State, you say? That's almost like a bye.
gary swain, you say?
If he is a Swain, he is gay.
re: Mark
If Swain was a fake, then why would he change his mind?
Hey Coach, you going to the Tyson fight tonight in Youngstown?
kelvin sampson,
Are you high??
OSU 41
IU 6
If they're lucky.
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