Thursday, September 28, 2006

Bowl Games

Hey there tresselnation. It's me Tressel, Coach Jimmy Tressel. The coach has been busy lately, real busy - bringing home big wins to all my faithful supporters. I have barely had time to smack the old flesh gavel on Mrs. T's forehead for a relaxing game of "order in the court". This season's been tough on me - and those deadbeat, picklewipes in the front office at the Big Ten won't let me cruise my awesome, new hovercraft on the sidelines, what the fuck do I have to do for these people - die on a cross? It's just a hovercraft, people.

So yeah, swain's been exposed as a fake. The real Swain stepped up and called out his imposter. The real Swain really writes about malls and probably doesn't even know my name (check the end of the last post's comments). The real Swain might be half a mo in real life, but the fake swain is ten times the mo he is - hiding behind him. How could anyone have the balls to impersonate someone else just to entertain themselves? Why would they do that? It's sad and totally blows my mind, really.

Did you you guys check out the prank I played on Grandpa Joe P. last week? We had coffee the morning before the game like always. This time I had to get him back. Last year he had me listed in my community as a sexual predator, true enough but it cost me a ton in legal fees. Christ that guy is old, Paterno has cancerous growths in his colon older than me. I pulled the ol' point and say "Isn't that David Hasselhoff?" He looked and I dumped some VisineĀ® in his java. I knew he wouldn't make it to the end of the game without running to the can. I would be worried about some retribution but that old bastard will be worm food by this time next year.



Grandpa P. always travels with an old fart, safety toilet wherever he goes. Too bad that's the only "bowl game" he'll see this year. Well kids, I've got some "undercovers" work to do before saturday. I'm working on some sweet rhymes, be patient. You keep it real and I'll keep it realer.

Just beacause your rhyme was tight Maurice I will post it here. I know you've got the time so please bring the rhyme, son. It was brilliant.

Straight outta C-bus, crazy mothafucka named 'rice
Down but not out, 'cuz my problem's wit' police

I wuz blazed in my mercedes
So my recollection's hazy
of when da cops took me down
Like a movie by Scorsese

Tweakin' high and drunk
Wit' an AK in my trunk
If they'd a waited one mo' hour
I'd a shot another punk!

79 Comments:

Anonymous Ron said...

Coach T back in the saddle and preaching to his flock! Props on fucking with that old bastage JoPa.

Who the hell does Jim Delany think he is telling the coach of the No. 1 ranked team in the free world that he can't patrol the sidelines aboard the hovercraft? Fuck him! You are the Big Ten, Coach.

7:04 AM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

YO COACH!

Thanx for givin' mad props to ya boy!! An' if any y'all out dere is A&R's fo' Intascope o' whateva, y'all can reach me care o' Jimbo Tressel or the Franklin County Sherriffs dept. Check it:

The name is Maurice
I'm slicker than grease
evry time I turn around
There's tha Police

They took my AK,
they took my glock, too
Now I'm comin' atcha
from cell block two

Went from the combine
To a life of crime,
Now I write rhymes
While I serve time

When Tress bust me out,
an' my ship comes in
we gonn bang some hoes
an' snatch some trim

When I roll, homies know
That I spreadz the fear,
wit' my nine, and my vest,
an' my rap career

I'll get money like Gates,
An' bitches like Prince,
Long as da cops
fo'get to dust fo' prints.

--Mo out, bitches!

9:17 AM  
Anonymous James Wheat said...

The end of the second paragraph is ironic gold.

3:38 PM  
Anonymous maurice said...

re: wheat

Tha fuck you trin' to say, dawg?

--Mo

5:32 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

maurice, you need to put any demo tracks that you have on limewire. i don't know if the pen will let you do it, but maybe one of your boys could. these lyrics are tight, i don't think football was your calling in life.

7:09 PM  
Anonymous Donnie said...

The guy who writes this blog whether it is Jim Tressel or some fat masturbatory fiend living in his mom's basement knows that Paterno would kick all your asses.

7:53 PM  
Anonymous i hate donnie said...

i'm a fat masturbatory fiend living in your mom's basement, no sorry that's the make believe monster you made up for the school councilor when uncle creepy showed up in your bedroom late at night on weekends. leave the coach alone, he's just trying to make the kids happy. doing more than your angry aggresive post was doing, donnie. the coach of tressel's world loves the scarlet and grey and wouldn't promote the hate you are putting forth. But i would happily take up a shovel to dig old saggy balled JoPa's grave. fuck his ricketty old ass and his creepy child molester glasses. rock on coach t! JoPa doesn't even deserve to have a safety travel shitter. next time just kick one of his brittle knees in! i think paterno witnessed that astroid that killed all the dinosuars. he might have signed the u.s. constition, that fucker is older than cars. fuck penn state and fuck you.

3:58 AM  
Anonymous white bread said...

That video inspired me to dance tonight. I even practiced the slow motion part. But I got yanked off the stage by a cop. Apparently, the stage was just for broads, but i think Ohio just wasn't ready for my newly practiced, sweet international freeze rock. Thank you Coach T. I'm keepin' it real in Berea, if that's possible. Kick ass Saturday.

4:13 AM  
Anonymous Choose an identity said...

Da da do daa daa daa wada wada wada pa pa pa pa. I think that in indian that means stop getting the kids high?

4:20 AM  
Anonymous The Flying Dutchman Craig Wolf said...

donnie-

I like what you wrote and I agree with it as Paterno is the greatest without a doubt. Tressel is like a flea and Paterno is like the dog that the flea is sucking on.

5:32 AM  
Anonymous The Flying Dutchman Craig Wolf said...

Donnie- I agree with what you wrote. Paterno is the greatest of all time without a doubt.
Tressel is like a flea and Paterno is like the dog that the flea is sucking on.

5:33 AM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

i think craig wolf is the fake swain.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Lou Holtz said...

Thufferin thuckatath fellath uth old coacheth have a difficult time thitting down on a toilet ath it ith. It ithn't nithe to methth with the elderly. Notre Dame thould be number one even if they lothe three gameth.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous Krenzel said...

Coach you sandbagging son of a bitch, about fucking time you post again. Kick Ferentz's dog today and then fuck his daughter tonight for all of us OSU fans out there!!!!

12:33 PM  
Anonymous The Flying Dutchman and Penn State Alum ('98) Craig Wolf said...

I'm not the fake Swain or real Swain. I'm Craig Wolf, mothafucka.
What's up?

6:27 PM  
Anonymous alex boone said...

swain or not, your still a douchebag.

6:55 PM  
Anonymous Craig Wolf said...

I sold pot to Ki-Jana Carter in my dorm room. That alone makes me ineligible for the douchebag label.

7:21 PM  
Anonymous alex boone said...

if the highlight of your life is selling a nickelbag of schwag to a bust #1 pick, then you are even more of a douchebag than I imagined.

8:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I farted when I saw the picture of Paterno. No shit.

9:30 PM  
Anonymous Art Schlichter said...

Dear anonymous,

That is rad because I peed a little when I saw it. It was due to the laughter.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What does tressel do to unwind on Sundays?

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Pete said...

I think he plays around with One-Tit Mary while his wife goes to the mall and then goes food shopping. Lucky bastard.

11:52 AM  
Anonymous Turkish Randall said...

Paterbo to the toilet: I'mashit on you.

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Charlie Soderham said...

Parento couldn't shit on a real Ohio State toilet if his life depended on it. I bet he will start wearing Depends next week.

10:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

paterno shits his pants a litttle bit every day, he's old - i guess it just DEPENDS. fuck that old bastard and his dirty yellow glasses.
what's up fake swian? no one to hide behind, fag...

1:44 AM  
Anonymous Jim Solomon said...

The fake Swain totally bitchslapped Tressel's World.

As a Michigan fan, I applaud that man.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous o.g. bucknut said...

re: solomon

As an o.g. bucknut, I'll applaud Ted Ginn when, after scoring a the winning touchdown, he proceeds to drop his drawers and take a shit in your end zone.

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Jim Solomon said...

Michigan will stomp on OSU's ass.

7:01 PM  
Anonymous o.g. bucknut said...

That's what Lee Corso said.

See you in November, & don't mind that strange smell on your team's bus.

8:37 PM  
Anonymous alex boone said...

tressel, they took away our online gambling! those rat bastards in washington fuck us over yet again!
they are a bunch of corrupt assholes, yet they know what's best for this country. this has got to be the worst presidential administration ever. FUCK BUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:46 AM  
Anonymous Frank said...

I'll say this. Tressel is sexier than Paterno.

3:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This blog is fabulously homo erotic.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

any time I had to shit lately I thought of Joe Paterno doing the same thing but only he did it during a game.

9:03 PM  
Anonymous Supreme Allah said...

Craig, your weed was terrible. Smoking downtown brown is for buster-ass marks like you and Ka-Jana Carter.Come talk to me when you've smoked that aeroponic funk. Oh and Solomon, 4-1 bitch. Have fun picking up your 6th L in your last 7 tries.

2:36 AM  
Anonymous inVESTor gadget said...

That was too easy today coach, watching you pound BG was like having to go to church, i had to go there... i saw it. You should at least fuck around with it a bit. Like when you make a dog think you threw the ball and it's still in your hand. Should have fucked with them more, That's all I'm saying. But I guess you wear the vest and i drive my pickle truck around all day.

3:04 AM  
Anonymous big blue said...

nice shades today hoMO.

3:37 AM  
Anonymous Charlie Cocktits said...

Did Ohio State win against Blowing Green, coach? I was unable to check the paper.

Thanks

Charlie

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Dear Mr. Cocktits,

Very funny. Ha ha, jerk.

Yes, OSU won.

Coach, it is funny this post. I have to move my bowels after reading it just as was the case with several other posters!

5:40 PM  
Anonymous Krenzel said...

Coach I rally appreciated you not coverng the spread. You tried an I think it was just to fuck with me wasn't it. You're so funny!! I will be in town Tuesday do you still go to Platinum for "Titty Tuesday"? I will buy you a hand job with my winnings.

7:40 PM  
Anonymous FRank said...

I will give him a hand job.

8:41 PM  
Anonymous Joe Paferno said...

The shit is a a powerful being. Remember that.

8:58 PM  
Anonymous Joe Oaterno said...

Frank is a fuckin' faggot. That is two gay comments in this post you cocksuckin motherfucker.

8:59 PM  
Anonymous joe oaterno said...

Not that there's anything motherfuckin' wrong with that.

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Stanley said...

Pat, do you masturbate?

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Bobby Digital said...

When I saw Paterno run off the field to shit, it inspired me...So I didn't shit for 3 days, then I wrapped one around the toilet bowl and named him Joe Poo.

Then some dumb bitch came in an killed him while I was outside doing Tai Chi.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous dustin diamond said...

Giving another guy a hand job is only gay if you don't get paid well for it.

7:20 PM  
Anonymous Frank Thomas said...

Alex Boone:

Not to be a dick sucker (like Michigan Fans) by why do you get a holding penalty every game?

MoC, what do you think of Beanie Wells, does he have enough street cred. to make it in the Big Ten?

7:22 PM  
Anonymous dustin diamond said...

How well can he handle a gun? Maybe he should make a sex tape.

7:31 PM  
Anonymous cha cha cha on dezz buckle nuts said...

Drop some ryhmes on this bucked up congregation soon or i'll start slagin' drugs and smacking my girl around again. Yo, T - you center me. You bring peace to this thugged out exist of mines. Spray it loud, J. Tress.

7:39 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

Dear Stanley,

Fuck you. That's none of your business. Get out of here, freak.

8:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like nipples they come in all shapes and sizes. I have a great collection of almost twenty two and one half at home. I collected them all myself. Did I mention that they are hampster nippies? I love nippies. Especially girl ones. Sometimes when i wake up I'm thinking about hampster nippies but usually the one i think about most belong to Kate Beckensale and she's a vampire/french maid and shampooing my hair and thinking about killing me the whole time. I love nippies!

8:31 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Frank,

Shit happens. Kind of like how you went hitless in the 2000 ALDS. Can't be perfect all the time. But I don't think it has become too big a deal. This team is doing just fine.

10:48 PM  
Anonymous Maurice said...

Yo Frank!

If ya acks me, too much runnin, not enough gunnin. If ya acks me.

peace.

--Mo

11:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hand jobs and cocksuckers and sucky suck suck

8:18 PM  
Anonymous Pat said...

re: anonymous

Get lost, freak.

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will someone explain this "Swain" character for the uninitiated?

thanks

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Frank said...

re: anonymous

Steven Swain is a dude who used to post here. Then when people went to his blog and wrote bad things to him he said it wasn't really him. Or something.

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Bob Nander said...

Bring back Swain!!!!!

Viva la Swain!!!!!!!!

We want Swain, we want Swain, we want Swain!

8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

re: frank

"Steven Swain is a dude who used to post here. Then when people went to his blog and wrote bad things to him he said it wasn't really him. Or something."

You should write history lessons, that was well said. Please let me give your style a try:

"Well, like some towel head dude crashed some planes into some buildings and like now, we have to fight some country that has nothing to do with it. Or something."

7:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember, its not rape if you love her

7:28 AM  
Anonymous Bukowski said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:40 PM  
Anonymous bukowski said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome to Blow Job America.

3:35 PM  
Anonymous Bill said...

re: the four previous comments

The fuck you talkin' about?

5:11 PM  
Anonymous Gina said...

Hey Jimbo,

Care to fuck? Call me, sweet lips.

6:20 PM  
Anonymous Larry Leafstockix said...

I want to blow a couch.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous Garteh said...

Jim Tressel,

Peace man. Are you going to watch the Penn State vs Michigan game tonight on the telly?

I know I sure as fuck am going to do it.

1:12 PM  
Anonymous The Flying Dutchman and Penn State alum ('98) Craig Wolf said...

Now that Penn State has lost to Michigan and Ohio State I hereby declare that Michigan is the better of the two teams. I fully expect them to beat Ohio State.

Oh, and I am the shiznit for selling pot to Carter. So fuck you, Boone.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous richard cranium said...

Dutch are dirty fucking people!!! When November comes and my team explodes on the school up north's undersized D-Line, don't come crying about how super Mario was hurt. My nigga T-Bone is about to get super metaphysical on LLLLoyd and his team. Also Penn State and Michigan played in cold but clear weather while Ohio State and Penn State had shitty turf and rain in the first half.

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Gary said...

did ohio state play on Saturday? I didn't see a score anywhere.

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Krenzel said...

Gary are you fucking French? I mean really?!?!? 38-7 OSU over Michigan State.

7:10 PM  
Anonymous Gary said...

Sorry, I was playing racquetball all day Saturday and didn't check the scores.

So they played Michigan State, you say? That's almost like a bye.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

gary swain, you say?

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If he is a Swain, he is gay.

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Daniel said...

re: Mark

If Swain was a fake, then why would he change his mind?

3:19 PM  
Anonymous Bobby Knight said...

Coach,

How many points are you going to put in shitty ass Indiana? They fucking suck at football, and now they suck at basketball. Fuck Miles Brand.
Anyway, I hope you beat them 72-0, then dance al over the field, then stab all their fans.

I went to OSU and won a National Title.

O.A.R. sucks, "Don't Cry" is a hot ass G & R video.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Kelvin Sampson said...

Coach Knight,

You rode the bench at OSU cause you are a pussy, you got kicked out of Indiana cause you are a pussy, and IU will kick you and Texas Tech's ass.

Go Hoosiers!
IU 31
OSU 28

5:24 PM  
Anonymous Alex Boone said...

Hey Coach, you going to the Tyson fight tonight in Youngstown?

1:34 AM  
Anonymous o.g. bucknut said...

kelvin sampson,

Are you high??

OSU 41
IU 6

If they're lucky.

9:29 AM  

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