All I want for Xmas....

Dear Santa,

It's me, Tressell, Coach Jim Tressel. I'll bet you're wondering what I want for Christmas. I've been such a good boy, and what I really want is...a Hovercraft. I know I ask every year, and usually I get something else, a sweater vest, a sack of porn, an anger management book, but this year has gotta be the year.

I've been so very good. I've cut back on my driving indiscretions, I've wasted even more hours down at that shithole Children's hostpital, I even stopped feeding Bucky tuna, because it hurts Dolphins. I'm 9-2. My players don't touch roids...what the fuck o do I have to do. All I want is a hovercraft.

A hovercraft is the perfect vehicle for smiting my enem.... I mean delivering Wheels on Meals. It's gonna be a nasty Winter, how else am I going to deliver hot soup to all those Geezers? With a car? Yeah, right. Maybe in the future when cars can fly. Until, then, a hovercraft is clearly the answer.

And if you don't bring me a hovercraft, you better not show your goddamn face anywear in the greater Columbus area, or I'll bust your mouth open like a goddamn pinata. Hola, Papa Noel. And for Christ sakes, no more sweater vests, I already have like a hundred. I mean it, if you fuck up, I'll go hebrew.

Love,
Jimbo