Sunday, March 12, 2006

More Tasty Tidbits

Wake up, fuckos! It's me, Tressel. Coach Jim Tressel. I'm going to do this big stinking pile of crap called the world a favor and open this blog up to a little Q and A time. And no, that doesn't stand for Queers and Aardvarks, although they are certainly invited to participate. It stands for Question and Answer. One rule, no football questions. That's what the call-in shows and press conferences are for. Ask me about my screenplay, ask me about my rap career, ask me about my cat. I'm willing to make an exception in regards to Clarett. I'd like to set a few things straight. So bring it on, bitches!!!


Anonymous Chris said...

If your kitty died or ran away, would you blame it on that stupid dog Waffles? If so, what would you do to him?

4:35 PM  
Anonymous Sean said...

Dear Coach,

Any moolah coming your way from the natty sweater vests you model on Saturdays? LL Bean or Eddie Bauer have you on contract?

6:28 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

First question first.
Yes, I do blame it on Waffles. Why? Because he's a dog, and dogs are fucking evil. The way they lick themselves, and eat their own puke, it's disgusting. Dogs are morally depraved animals. Unfortunately I can't prove it was Waffles, though I've tried, I've had my Offensive Coordinator on this for weeks but he can't come up with anything. The misses won't let me act until I have some proof, but once I can prove it, I'm gonna staple that fucker's nutsack to his forehead and beat him with a sack full of doornobs.

First of all, the sweater vest is a garmet of high sophistication. Warm and reassuring, yet free and non-restrictive. Kind of like my coaching style, you quasi-retarded shit-stained knuckle-fuck. It so happens that this fall I will be releasing my own line of Jim Tressel Utility Sweater Vests. Everything the coach who should go pro for the money, but won't cause he cares too much about the kids needs for either a hard day on the sidelines or a night out with his tender, tender lady. They will be available at all Gallian's and Dick's sporting goods, and will be made exclusively by Chinese prison labor.

7:03 PM  
Anonymous Chris Lloyd said...

If you could describe Michigan in 1 word, or a serious of expletives, what would it be?

7:14 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

If we're talking about the State: Lakey, if we're talking about the school: felch-hole. Per the rules I abstain from describing the football team. Aw what the hell, just this once. Fags.

7:33 PM  
Anonymous LeCharles,Bitches! said...

Hey, Tressel! COACH Tressel! I've got another question for you.

How 'bout the jugs on that Jessica Simpson, huh?

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Andy Geiger said...

I have a question, Jimmy. Why'd they push me out the door? I let you and O'brien get away with murder (literaly) and whats my reward? A swift boot in the ass. Why do i have to be the fall guy when you know damn well what was going on the whole time? Hell, half the team couldnt read or write, and Krenzel had a traveling meth lab in that stupid pt cruiser of his. So fuck you Tressel, i hope you burn in hell!!!

11:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it true that Joe Paterno raped you in the bathroom of a Cleveland Denny's?

5:20 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

1. Yes, how bout those jugs.
2.Cause you're a bitch.
3.That was Butch Davis, you're thinking of. And it was the other way around. Paterno was in town to recruit a prospect and he stopped in for a senior citizens special, two egs and a bowl of metamusel. Needless to say when Butch plunged his meat pole into Joe Pa's Fudge Socket, twas quite the mess. How do I know? Because Geiger works there as a Janitor.

6:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Cheaty McSweatervest,
How did you like when I gave your wife the clap and a Hot Carl? That is right, I boned her. She kept moaning something about AJ Hawk?

8:24 AM  
Anonymous Ron said...

Coach, have you considered coaching on gameday riding atop your hovercraft? That wouyld be bad assed. I think that would intimidate the piss out of the opposing teams! Plus, the other coaches would be jealous as all hell.

8:26 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

I have a feeling you'll be seeing plenty of the hoovercraft this season. We're talking about doing something with Marching band, some advanced formations. A real wet dream for band dorks. It's gonna be sweet.

Hey anonymous, if you're gonna start some shit, leave your name. BTW, don't even pretend like you dig chicks, you pillow biting sack sucking mongoloid fuck.

8:46 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What are you giving A.J. Hawk and Laura Quinn for their wedding?

8:50 AM  
Anonymous Dan Rhoads said...

Your rap career, how's it going, and is your skillz the reason you recruit so well in da' hood?

Keep it real

8:57 AM  
Anonymous Frankie Figs said...

If Krenzel is such a pussy bitch, why do you still hang out with him? Is it the Poon Tang Cruiser?

9:36 AM  
Anonymous buckeyhomo said...

Hey Tress,
Is it true that you are known to your players as analrodeo? Is this a moniker that follows you back to YSU?

9:47 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Whoa! One at a time, please. Starting with anonymous,

1.For AJ Hawk's Wedding, I'll be giving him a box of Rubbers and the complete first Season of Knight Rider on DVD.

2. The rap game's a bit of a slow go right now. The wedding was kind of a bust, and DR. Dre was sort of disapointed at my party planning skills. Nonetheless my grip on Urban culture, and my too-tight-for-whitey mad science flava are definitely a plus when recruiting in the PJs.

3.I don't really hang out with Krenzel anymore, since I got my own Playstation, unless he can use that Molecular Biology degree to cook up some E, or meth, or just some super Hydroponic. Let that be a lesson. Study hard.

4. Why does this jack ass keep leaving comments. First and foremost, this is not a forum for gaybashing. Refrain from the deregotary anti-gay slander, you big 'mo. Second, leave your real name and address and I'll answer your question in person. I might have to stop off at Sears first so I can pick up a car battery, some jumper cables and a few feet of rubber tubing. Then we're gonna have us a good time.


10:20 AM  
Anonymous Gary Moeller said...

Hey, Coach T. Eddie Sutton, Frank Solich and I are going out for a few drinks and wondered if you'd like to join us. We need a driver. Cheers!

11:01 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Can't do. Gotta go to the hospital and visit some kids with bulima, or cancer or some junk. Have a Jager Bomb for me, though.

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Which player did you wanna kick the hell out of the most

11:14 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

That's a stupid question. Next.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many vests do you own?

12:03 PM  
Blogger dirt dickens said...

Are you going to anymore meetings messed up? Have to say that one was my favorite.

12:14 PM  
Anonymous Jerry Bruckheimer said...

Will you post an exerpt of your screenplay?

12:38 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Not yet. For my next post I was going to talk about a scene I'm having some trouble with, get a little feedback from the Tresselnation. It's sort of the climatic point of the dramatic arc, and I have some believability questions. Stay tuned.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Oh, and to answer Dirt's question, I just came from one. Some charity or fundraising crap. I was strung out on Ether and Tussin' so I don't remember.

1:10 PM  
Blogger J.D. said...

Does Laura Quinn spit or swallow?

P.S. Tell "Anonymous" that if he doesn't leave his real name we're all gonna come over to his crib and give his wife/girlfirend/boyfriend(most likely) a "Dirty Sanchez".


1:12 PM  
Blogger dirt dickens said...

Not sure about the older one, but the younger one kelly spits.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear Coach

when you are recruiting the high school kids, do you ever get to dip into those sweet young thangs (love those cheerleader outfits)? Say, maybe Tommy Tailback needs a few more points in his favor to get that scholarship, and he offers up the GF for a little Jimbo action?

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

NORTH COUNTRY was boring , for it was too drawn out. I felt that a number of stars could have played CHARLIZE THERON'S part. She was much better in MONSTER, but of course a good script, direction and editing helps! SISSY SPACEK is excellent! I just wish she didn't have her nose bobbed so much, but of course that must have been done when she was much younger. I joined the club on that one, when I was 16.

Our maid's (my second mama's) Husband used to call me "his little Panana Nose", when I was 10 or 11 years old, and I kept thinking of the word "Banana". Then too, there was another girl in my Senior High School class by the name of NINA. Everyone said we looked alike. I looked at her, and she must have looked at me, and we both had nose jobs, (for a deviated septum of course ;-))

Nina had a tiny weenie and I had one in proportion to my face, and guess what, I never looked like Nina again, nor did she look like me! Now, I had thought in school, everyone would notice and compliment me, but to my dismay, no one knew the difference, but I surely did, and it boosted my confidence. I would tell everyone there after that a nose job was my Graduation Present!

1:40 PM  
Anonymous Eric Wedge said...

will you be coming to any of our games this season? if so, try and keep your shit together this time.

1:45 PM  
Anonymous Lllloyd Carr said...

How do you like having me as your bitch?

1:54 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Wedge, what's up. Anyone ever tell you, you bear a slight resemblance to Wedge from Star Wars. Copy Red Leader. Ha, I kid. Yeah I'll be coming to some Indian games, just as long as you rat bastards don't fucking choke like you did last year.

jd, who cares.

And yes, while north country was boring, it brought to light some important issues regarding gender relations in the American workplace. That and I would bang Charlize Theron so hard.

And Carr, you fucking waste of spunk, you lost to me this year, and last year. You're never going to beat me. Why? Because you suck. So shut your god damn cake hole before I sew your asshole shut and stuff you full of asskick salad!!!

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Julian Casablancas said...

Hey man, I love the buckeyes, just wanted you to know that. I think Death Cab is for pussies though. You should come to our show, i'll leave you two backstage tickets for you and the misses (or whomever)

2:39 PM  
Anonymous Sean said...

Jeez Coach, just because the NCAA put you on Double Secret Probation you start losing your cool? That betrays the cool-headed thought process of sweater-vested wisdom.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Thanks, Julian. But who are you to criticize Deathcab. The Strokes are a bunch of Ramones wanna-be posers.

And as for double secret probation...this isn't Animal House you jerkoff. This is real life. I'm Jim Fuckin' Tressel. I'll bet you think of yourself as a Bluto don't you? Wait let me guess, I'll bet you're a Flounder, you fat fuck. You fat fucking fuck.

I apologize. I'm drunk.

7:07 PM  
Blogger dirt dickens said...

So I got my tongue in this bitch's ass right and I start thinking about Buckeye football. I can't wait to see you bitch smack all opponents. F you Lloyd Carr, I hope you get the clap.

6:48 AM  
Anonymous sean said...

Coach Tressel,

No apologies needed. Can't wait to see the hovercraft this fall.

6:49 AM  
Anonymous Famous said...


Any plans for you to give AJ Hawk a role in your movie once the screenplay is bought? He did a hell of a job with Cher in Mask.

7:19 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

I think AJ Hawk is gonna be busy in the next few years. There is talk of him making a cameo as Rasberry, Lord of the Crab People from the Planet Pubitron. I don't know. I don't so much have any characters solidified, as I have a general idea about them. Needless to say, casting is still on the back burner. I am writing a role especially for Jeff Goldblum, though. I'm hoping we can sign him.

8:40 AM  
Anonymous Bif said...

Hey Tressel, COACH Tressel! I bumped into Marty McFly and he said that him and his hoverboard would beat you and your hovercraft in a race. Yo McFly! You're a fucking moron! Kick his ass!

11:14 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

You are retarded. Marty McFly is a fictional character, unlike me, Coach Jim Tressel. Stop talking because you waste oxygen. I will kill you.

11:30 AM  
Anonymous Waffles said...

Hey and this website are gay as AIDS.

11:45 AM  
Anonymous mike said...

what's going on with maurice?

11:48 AM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

Oh, Waffles, you silly puppy. You're going to get such a spanking. One of these days, I'm going to poison you.

I don't know what to say. Maurice is kinda down, rightfully so. He keeps talking about going to Europe to play some ball, but he just can't seem to stop committing armed robbery. The weather was nice this weekend, so I had him over for a BBQ. I asked him what happened with the Broncos and he just broke down and started sobbing. It's sad really. I want you all to pray for him.

12:10 PM  
Blogger dirt dickens said...

Is it true that you let Skeete back on the team b/c he supplied dope for 75% of the team and Marco Cooper's dope was crap? I heard the players were complaining about the dirt weed they were buying.
Waffles Shut the fuck up.

12:12 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...


12:16 PM  
Anonymous Bill Gates said...

I have millions of dollars that I want to blow on tressel gear. Can you start up a cafe press already?

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Chris Wells said...

Am I gonna get to play?

1:33 PM  
Blogger dirt dickens said...

Wells you need to prove you are worthy, so go get a DUI or something. Then my man, you will see the field.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous BIG Pun said...

Yo Coach,

Please give me the recipe for ass-kick-salad!

Peace out, and tell Mo' Clarrett I need a rock!

-BIG Pun

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Chris Wells said...

DUIs are for Pussies, I already got 6 counts of aggravated assault, that have been mysteriouslt dropped.

It's not my fault though, i always say "watch the teeth."

2:51 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

K, here goes.

Soon. The problem is OSU owns all the right to my images, as well as my eternal soul, so technically I'm not allowed to profit off of this. Besides, I think the pursuit of material wealth cheapens what is otherwise a necessary outlet for my otherwise dormant creative energies. You've got all that awesome software you guys at Microsoft make, make your own Tressel merch. By the way, I've never forgiven you for Millineium Edition. It is the worst goddamn operating system ever! Always crashes on me in mid errection, and if a man can't rely on his computer for a good wank, what's he to do in this day and age?

How the fuck should I know? Start lifting weights and stop bitching about how you don't get to play and linking to nasty diarhea sites. Wait, is that too hard? Ok, well here's your answer. No. Next question.

Big Pun,
One Tomatoe, diced.
One head of lettuce, diced.
One whiny pussy.
My foot, up your ass.
Toss vigorously, dressing optional.

Wow, all these questions. I'm gonna have to put my secretary on this. Wait, I fired her ass for stealing paper clips.

4:43 PM  
Anonymous John L. Smith said...

Smith or Stanton?

7:10 PM  
Blogger Best Vest said...

That's a football question isn't it? I TOLD YOU, NO GODDAMN FOOTBALL QUESTIONS!!!!

This forum is closed.

7:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

O-H! That's for you, Coach. You make Pete Carroll look like that 'mo Ryan Seacrest.

Anyways, I know the press conference is over, but I was hoping someday soon you'd tell us about your recovery, and about that Christian saint known as "One Tit Mary". I know your recovery is very personal but I think discussing it would bring hope to a lot of shiftless losers who can't get their ass in gear, beat the smack, and kick the shit out of Notre Dame (especially Clarett).

7:57 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you seen the pictures of Bowden's naekkid grand daughter? Very nice.

12:10 PM  

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