Sunday, January 29, 2006

Lazy Sundays

Yeah, so since the season's been over I've been kind of well....bored. Take for instance, today, the first weekend without any football since August. I woke up at 10, punched the clown, rolled back over went back to sleep, then woke up again at 1, layed in bed for a while, channel surfed for about an hour, man, putting a TV in our bedroom was a mistake, and getting the Spice channel, was probably an even bigger one. I've been slammin the ham so much lately it looks like a goddamn rasberry. I don't mean to mix metaphors, but seriously, I got dandruff on my doodle. It's only been a few weeks since the Fiesta bowl, and I am B-O-R-E-Fuckin' D!

Has anyone seen my wife, by the way? Last time I remember seeing her was during the post Fiesta party. I'm out of clean towels, and I'm really starting to worry about her.

The other day I decided I was going to start writing a screenplay. It's a Sci-Fi Musical set in the year 3000, the story of an android football coach, who develops emotions. Everyone thinks he should go pro, you know, for the money, but he stays in college cause he cares so much about the kids. He's very selfless, and giving, due to a microchip his creator gave him. Also, in the off-season, he spends his nights pleasuring the queens of all the great powers of the galaxy...sexually, but by day, he fights zombie space pirates. I've kind of hit a wall, though, because if he's in space, how can there be night and day? Sort of mind-blowing, isn't it. Do you get jet-lag in space? If you're an android, do you even have to observe the rules of night and day? Maybe I'll ask my good buddy Dick Goddard.

One thing's for sure, I'm no Ray Bradbury. God, I wish the off-season would be over! The other day I ate an entire half gallon of chocolate brownie fudge ice cream. It was non-fat, but still, I feel like such a load. I tried to go out for jog with my new ipod, but I can never seem to make it more than two days in a row. I'm so lazy. I've got to stop jerking off. Once a day, Tressel, that's the limit.

On the bright side, SNL is getting pretty good. I really like the new cast. That Andy Samberg sure is a card. I love the sweedish chef ring-tones sketch. Man, that'd be sweet if you really could download those. Maurice could always do a pretty good swedish chef imitation. I can't imageine why he couldn't make it work with the Broncos, the kid was pretty good at impressions. His Mr. Burns was dead on. Maybe I should go visit him. I wonder if he could help me with my screenplay.

At the very least he could help me pick a title. So far I've narrowed it down to few options:
  1. Space Coach Coast to Coast

  2. The Coach Who Should Go Pro, You, Know, for the Money, But Won't Cause He Cares About The Kids, Due To His Microchip, In The Year 3000

  3. Jimmy Get Your Laser

  4. Intergalactic Sextastic Robo-Coach of Many Colors

  5. Fuck You, Charlie Weiss

Is it just me or is this year's Dancing with the Stars not as good?

I know I should update my blog more, seeing as how i'm so bored, but sometimes I don't think anyone reads it. I never get any comments. Does this mean no one cares what I have to say? Read the title, I got alot of things to say. So what if they're not about football. Fuck you guys.

I started baking my own bread. It's a lot of work, and makes a mess, but it sure makes the house smells good. Kind of makes me horny. Hey, I wonder what's on the Spice channel...


Blogger Bonnie Prince Willie said...

We're reading...Preach on brutha Jim.

8:05 AM  
Blogger Walter Cash said...

Tressel beats it that much? I guess I feel better about myself.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Arthur Schlichter said...

Love the blog, Jim.
Come visit me over at One of our guys lives in Columbus, just like you.

12:05 PM  
Blogger Flop said...

Well, normally I would think I'd hate a blog written by Ohio State's coach, because I went to Michigan. But I've been laughing my ass off all day.

Also, I myself am possibly even more obsessed with hovercraft, so I know how you feel.

12:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jim Tressel would never spell "a lot" as one word.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tressel, as a student at the OSU, I'm honored to find out that I jerk off as much as you. Maybe we'll help each other out one day? Wink wink nudge nudge.

2:40 PM  
Blogger Cap said...


I think no matter where you went to school, this is hilarious. I bleed scarlet and grey and normally a site like this would piss me off to no end, but it's so over the top and absurd that you have to laugh.

12:46 PM  
Anonymous bababooey said...

pure fucking genious....don't stop.

3:55 PM  

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