Friday, August 12, 2005

It's a Pitty You Can't Stab Real Hookers

Hey there fellow gamers, it's me, Tressell, Coach Jim Tressel. Welcome back for another installment of Coach's Digital Dungeon. Today I'll be reviewing Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

I used to think Video games were a waste of time and money, machines matching the atrophe of our bodies with the atrophe of our minds. Then I discovered Grand Theft Auto 3, and let's just say I was born again. Needless to say, I was brimming with anticipation for the release of GTA: San Andreas, but low and behold, the X-Box release was delayed until June. But now it's hear, for X-box and by far the best version to date.

This game fucking rocks my socks. I haven't shaved, bathed or taken the time for a bowel movement in two weeks. The other day the wife was bitching and moaning about how we don't "spend any time together" anymore. I says, hey honey, I'd love to ball ya, but this marriage is temporarily on hold for the AWESOMEST VIDEO GAME EVER!!! Why don't you go do my laundry, and sit on the spin cycle if you're lonely for chrissakes.

Yeah, but anyhow, back to the game. So how has this game improved on Vice City, you ask? Well, in addition to an improved array of weapons and vehicles, (bicylces and rocket packs...yeah, you heard me, ROCKET PACKS), the game has several new interactive features, including the ability to change outfits, lose and gain weight, and work out. The game also features an awesome early nineties soundtrack, featuring Guns N' Roses, NWA, P-Funk, and other Alt-Rock/Gangster Rap Mainstays. Not only that but the missions are even more intense and challenging...if you play the missions.

Which I don't. Man the other day I was playing with Craig Krenzel, and I had like five stars, and was blowing up busses and shit with the rocket launcher, all to Ice Cube's It Was a Good Day, and get this...I was in my underwear!!!! Yeah, I know, "big deal, coach, I play video games in my underwear too," but the guy in the game was in his underwear. It fucking blew my mind. Krenzel was pitching a pants tent, he's such a Mo. Then I got run over by a national guard Tank. Krenz always get's the tank cheat, and then drives around in the tank for like two hours, which is fucking boring to watch. I'm like come on Krenz, do something intersting, don't just drive around in the tank. Speaking of Krenzel, and what a fucking lame-ass he is, don't be like him and get the play-station version, the X-box version is way fucking better.
Grand Theft Auto
Does anyone happen to know the secret sex cheat for X-Box. Please Advise.


Anonymous Craig Krenzel said...

you are such a cock hole, jimmy. you know that when I wear those pants you bought me from the gap it always looks like I have wood, I only wear them because you think the make my ass look sweet. dude... you need to seperate fantasy from reality, asshead. it was real fucking funny when my mom drove up to see me at camp this summer and you fucking car-jacked her! but that wasn't enough was it jimmy? she still can't eat spicy foods since you stabbed her in the gut with that screwdriver. fuck you tressel! seriously fuck off!

by the way after practice tonight I'm coming over and I 'm going to be the tank as long as i fucking please. (I call the good chair! Ha Ha dick!)

6:33 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Tressel said...

I just wanted to thank you for suggesting the spin cycle...

10:01 AM  
Anonymous Steven Swain said...

Dis is real harcore nigga shit, coach

6:57 PM  
Anonymous kamagra gel said...

I love the video games, I love to kill people in the video games, The adventure is really good in this kind of video games, I love to play it in my XBOX!!22dd

7:29 AM  

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