Friday, August 05, 2005

TGIF: Powder Yer Donuts!

JAGERBOMBS ON THE TRESSMEISTER!!!!! Whoooo. Commin' at you live from the Bdubs e-cafe doing a little Friday afternoon speed dating. But, hey no fatties! Ha! Yeah right, who am I kidding? I've been known to do a little hogging from time to time.

Whatever you might hear about me and Big Sheila from Applebee's is a complete fucking lie and I will send out some of my Line-Dawgs to fuck their lying ass up like a car crash.

If I don't shit blood tomorrow then the evening was a waste.

I am gonna fucking party tonight. Football season's coming up and I am way stressed. The other day, the boss was givin me shit about my flip-flops. I won an NCAA championship! I can wear flip flops to work if I fucking feal like it. They're red and gray for Chrissakes. I'm really hungry right now, especially after Two-Js. I'll tell ya, bout five minutes ago, Less Wexner and I were eatin wings, and he's like wahhhh these wings are hot. I was like "Wex, you pussy, these wings are weak! They aren't even hot enough to make my sack sweat." Then I purple nurpled him and he cried little a girl.

Speaking of sacks, I went to the Fairfield County Fair last night. Have you ever seen a goat's balls when it's 80 degrees out. I mean hey, I'm over fifty, so my sack has a tendency to lowride, seriously, but those fuckers drag!!!

Man in this heat, you gotta pack some Gold Bond, Coach Jimmy's rule number 1: POWDER YOUR DONUTS! Afterwards, you feel like sweet Jesus himself gave you a kiss smack dab on both your buckeyes! If that's not heaven, give me a one-way ticket to H-E-double hockey sticks any day, but hey, just let me pack my GBP.

I make the whole team powder em' and that's why we're perennial contenders. do you think I'd have made it to so many bowl games if I had to stop every ten seconds to scratch the old spooge wallet?

Look, I'm getting off on a rant, here. I just wasted 20 minutes of happy hour writing this fucker. Besides, there's these two broads givin us the eye from across the bar. One of em's kind of a porker, but I'd stuff the other one. I'll let Lessy Wex have 'er, he's part gay anyhow. Still I'm gonna be balls deep tonight, good thing they're dry.


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